I’ll never forget how lonely and isolated I felt when I came forward as a rape survivor. I thought I’d never be worthy of friendship and love, and I didn’t think I’d ever trust anyone again.
When I met my now-husband, a few months had passed after the abuse occurred. I’ll never forget sitting on his basement floor, drunk, staring at him. Tears filled my eyes. For the first time in a long time, he made me laugh, smile , and trust again. I knew I’d have to tell him about what happened and what was going on, but I was so scared to lose the first person who made me feel alive again.
I completely lost it. He came over to comfort me, sat right in front of me, wiped the tears, and asked me what was wrong.
I said “I hope this doesn’t change anything, and I don’t want you to look at me any differently.” He reassured me he would never hurt me and would listen. At first, I thought, “Yeah, we’ll see,” because everyone else I told left.
I feared that I would lose him, too.
I stared right into his eyes, my heart racing, palms sweating, tears rolling down my cheeks. He grabbed my hands and held them. I said, “I’m the girl who slept with her teacher.” That was the statement going around town. But I didn’t. My teacher raped me. I kept telling him all the traumatic things that happened and how much my life had changed. He never once interrupted me or made me feel uncomfortable.
After I finished, I took a deep breath. He looked directly at me while still holding my hands and said, “Sabs, I always knew. I just didn’t feel it was my place to ask. I assumed you would tell me when you were ready.” My jaw dropped slightly, and I chuckled a bit. I had somehow thought he didn’t know the whole time. But it seemed obvious now – how couldn’t he? Everyone else did.
I pulled my hands away from his and leaned up, giving him a hug. Then, I said, “You’re the first person who made me feel normal again and just listened. I need to know how much that means to me. You’re my favorite person ever.” To this day, this conversation between us remains one of the most memorable and beautiful things I’ve experienced in life.
He never left, looked at me differently, or doubted me.
From that point on, I was no longer alone. He was there for every court date, therapy appointment, late night, and nightmare. I knew he was always just a phone call away – a hug, hand to hold, and shoulder to cry on. He would drop everything to be there for me.
One night, after a hard day, I sat in bed talking to him on the phone. He became my best and only friend. He invited me over to forget about the day I had. I hesitated at first; I didn’t want to bother him more than I already had. He said,”‘I asked you, you’re not bothering me at all. Come over, please.”
I packed a bag and drove over there. We sat on the couch, with a movie on but not really paying attention. It was a cold, snowy night and I said, “Let’s go sit in the hot tub; it’s a perfect night for it.” He agreed. We sat on opposite sides in silence for a while, both staring at the stars. He broke the silence, saying, “This might sound crazy, but I really want to kiss you.” I said, “Oh, yeah, I bet you won’t,” and giggled. He leaned forward, and I did too. Instead of moving in right away, he asked for permission with every step.
He made me feel safe. For the first time, I felt comfortable and excited to feel that way again.
After that night, our friendship turned into a relationship. And, a few weeks later, he looked at me lying next to him and said, “This may sound crazy, but I love you.” I teared up, and he got scared he ruined it, but he didn’t. The truth was, I was shocked because my abuser told me I’d never be worthy of love.
After a moment of staring at the ceiling, I looked at him and replied, “I love you, too.”
Featured image via freestocks on Unsplash
