There are two types of people in this world: people who drink caffeine because they enjoy it, and the people who drink caffeine because without it, they would get fired for sending an allstaff email that simply says, “are you stupid…?”
For many of us, caffeine isn’t a beverage. It’s a way of life. It’s a personality trait. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s the glue holding together our schedules, our responsibilities, our ability to make it through a ridiculous 2 p.m. meeting that should have been an email, and our SANITY.
While I am not a scientist, a psychologist, or anyone remotely qualified to make these claims, I am a retired party-girl turned millennial-mom who has spent enough time in coffee shops, office break rooms and gyms to develop some theories.
Here’s what your caffeine choice says about YOU.
If You Drink Black Coffee
You are either:
- Extremely efficient.
OR
- Dead inside.
There is no middle ground.
You don’t need fancy flavors or whipped cream. You don’t need caramel drizzle designs that require a second mortgage. You want coffee that actually tastes like coffee. You probably answer emails before 8 a.m., own at least one water bottle that costs more than it should have, and somehow make your bed every morning. People think you’re intimidating until they realize you’re actually just tired.
If You Order Iced Coffee Year-Round
You could be standing in a blizzard wearing three coats and still say…“Can I get that iced?” You are committed to the aesthetic. And honestly…respect. You enjoy routines and refuse to let something as insignificant as weather dictate your life choices. You probably just say you don’t like hot drinks, but it does make the rest of us wonder if you’ve ever actually felt cold before.
If Your Coffee Order Has More Than Four Words
You are living your best life. Period.
Grande. Half-caffeinated. Oat Milk. Two pumps of vanilla. Light ice. Cold Foam.
People love to judge complicated coffee orders, but those same people are out there customizing their entire sandwich at lunch. You know what you like and you go for it. You have boundaries. Unlike the rest of us, you’re not settling for disappointment in a cup.
If You’re a Diet Coke Person
You don’t just drink caffeine. You have a true relationship with caffeine…a lifelong, deeply committed partnership.
You know exactly where to find the good fountain machines. You can tell the difference between canned, bottled, and fountain coke before the beverage even reaches your mouth. You insist it tastes different because it actually does taste different. Frankly, you’ve stopped explaining yourself to people.
If You Drink Energy Drinks
You’re either:
- About to hit a personal record at the gym.
OR
- About to reorganize all of your closets at 10:37 p.m.
There is no in-between.
Your caffeine consumption feels less like a beverage choice and more like a business strategy. The can is bright and fun. The name sounds only mildly threatening. You don’t DARE look at the ingredients. Yet somehow you’re still tired.
If You Drink Tea
You have officially achieved a level of emotional maturity the rest of us strive for.
While everyone else is stress-chugging coffee or on their third energy drink of the day, you’re steeping something with lavender. You own at least one blanket specifically designated as a cozy-blanket. You tell people to stay hydrated. You probably know exactly where your birth certificate is and the rest of us aspire to reach your level of calm.
If You Need Coffee Before Getting Coffee
This one is for the parents. The newborn phase survivors. The people who woke up tired.
You aren’t drinking caffeine for enjoyment anymore. You’re simply trying to remain legally conscious. Your morning beverage isn’t a luxury. It’s emergency equipment. Honestly…? We support you because we’ve all been there.
If You DON’T Drink Caffeine
…are you okay?
Blink twice if you need help. That’s all.
The Real Truth
At the end of the day, our caffeine choices really don’t reveal much about who we are, but they do tell tiny stories:
- The black coffee drinker trying to power through a schedule-packed week.
- The iced coffee lover that is holding onto a tiny sliver of summer.
- The tea drinker creating space for peace.
- The parent reheating the SAME. CUP. three times before finally finishing it.
The truth is, we’re all doing our best. Some are just doing it with cold brew while others are doing it with Diet Coke. No matter your choice, cheers to the drink that helps you answer ridiculous emails, survive Mondays, and occasionally remember why we walked into a room in the first place.
Featured image via Pramod Tiwari on Pexels
