For most of my life, when I dreamt of meeting my soulmate, I always hoped it would be a meet-cute at a coffee shop or on a train platform. I wanted that moment when I could lock eyes with someone across a crowded room and just know that they would be my true love.
Though I have had similarly dreamy moments, I have yet to meet my soulmate. As someone with both social anxiety and a hectic work schedule, I don’t often sit in coffee shops or stand on train platforms and wait for the love of my life. But earlier this year, I ended a complicated five-year situationship and decided that it’s finally time to jump back into the dating world.
That meant downloading a dating app again. I was terrified.
I’d been off of the apps for five years, and my previous experience on them hadn’t been great. I certainly didn’t have the worst experiences, but I also never met anyone with whom I wanted to seriously pursue a relationship. This time around, I hoped that my dating app experience would be different. I downloaded an app that I never tried before in hopes that it would be better than the apps that I used in the past.
I’ve always been skeptical of dating apps.
I fear the people I might meet on those apps, and I worry about what they’ll think when they meet me in real life. What if my anxiety is too much for them to handle? What if they don’t find me as attractive as the photos on my profile? And what if who I am in real life isn’t as “good” as who I am online?
With all of these thoughts racing through my head, I created my profile but dreaded the idea of actually meeting up with anyone on the apps. I was anxious and afraid, but I wanted to fall in love more. Therefore, I pushed through my anxiety, and I started talking to people. I began going on dates and feeling better about meeting new people.
But was I in love with any of them? Did I see any of these people and feel the same way I did in my fantasies of locking eyes with a stranger across a crowded room?
Can you really be in love with someone who you don’t know?
The answer to that question is complex. You can see someone in real life or see their profile on an app and feel a spark of attraction. But in that situation, you see instead of knowing them.
You can absolutely know right away whether or not you have a connection with someone.
Even just exchanging messages with another person on a dating app can tell you so much about them. I’ve matched with people who I could tell right away weren’t my person, but I’ve matched with others and thought that we might have a spark. Your gut knows you better than you might think. If someone might be the love of your life, you’ll know, but will you trust your instincts?
I have gone out with people who I was already 99 percent sure I wouldn’t like — just because of that small chance that it could still work. I’ve also gone out with people I thought could be “the one,” only to be disappointed a few weeks or months down the line. After all, you can never truly know a person until they let you in.
What you see on someone’s profile is exclusively what they want you to see.
We show off these curated personas in hopes of catching someone’s attention, but often, we forget how to be ourselves. You can’t fall in love with someone’s façade. Loving someone means that you love both the best and worst parts of them, and you make a conscious decision to stay after seeing those pieces of themselves that they don’t advertise as proudly. Of course, sometimes once the rose-colored glasses come off and we start to see someone for who they really are, we realize that they aren’t for us. We discover that we fell in love with an idealized version of a potential partner instead of their true self.
And that’s OK.
Just like love at first sight, “love at first swipe” can also fall apart. Even if you look at someone and know that they feel strongly about you, you can’t control whether or not they decide to stay. Love isn’t always enough to keep a partner around, and no matter how hard you try, sometimes your love won’t be enough to save a relationship. If you fall in love with someone’s potential or persona, you’ll end up disappointing yourself. You can’t force someone to love you.
You both have to choose to take off your rose-colored glasses and love what you see without them.
“Love at first swipe” can happen, but it’s important to remember that there’s more to a potential partner than what they show you online. Will this person stay by your side and love you no matter what? Only time will tell.
Featured Photo by Good Faces Agency on Unsplash.
