I feel like there’s some sort of irony in a single person like myself writing an article on finding love. The thing with being single is that you eventually find so much comfort that you can decide who you want to have in your life. But how do you find your perfect match when you’re finally ready to enter the dating world?
Don’t find them.
You don’t need to look for a relationship to be happy. A relationship can make you happy, as can your friends, family, dreams, and aspirations. A genuine relationship will come when you’re ready for it.
What do you do when you find a potential relationship?
Let’s just say you find someone and go on a first date (if it even gets that far). From the beginning, many people romanticize the first-date version of their partners and assume they will love them unconditionally. You imagine the day that you’ll bring them to your family and the jokes they’ll have with your friends.
But that hasn’t happened yet.
Sure, you may have spent a couple of hours with them, but what do you really know about them? What’s their middle name? What’s their go-to meal order at an Italian restaurant? How do you think this person will be compatible with your political/religious beliefs, whether or not you want kids, where you want to live, etc.?
The thing with relationships and where we tend to get it wrong is that we look for companionship so badly that we end up placing our expectations on people who aren’t compatible with us. Then when they don’t meet our expectations, we give up on them altogether.
It’s why the terms “talking stage” and “situationships” are so often used in our generation. We tend to view people as a mansion when, in reality, they’re just an eye-catching sand castle. Sometimes, we will continue to convince ourselves that they can become a mansion.
Let’s say they are a mansion, but what are they doing to build themselves?
A few weeks ago, I went on a date with this woman for an hour and a half. I thought we truly connected. However, it was clear from the beginning that we were in two different places regarding our sexuality; she wasn’t open about it. Once this woman ghosted me after our date, I was absolutely devastated because I saw what we could’ve been.
I spoke with one of my coworkers about it, and they looked at me for a second and then asked, “Are you familiar with shiny object syndrome?” I was like, “What is that?” According to Wikipedia, shiny object syndrome means mistaking something small for something extraordinary and focusing on it to the extent of losing the big picture.
It made sense to me. I was romanticizing and focusing on this woman’s potential so much that I wasn’t accepting that she would never be what I wanted her to be. I want someone who can fully commit to me and isn’t afraid to share their feelings (good or bad). As much as I wanted her to be all those things, I knew she wouldn’t be that for me.
This woman was an hour and a half of my whole life where I’ve been unconditionally loved.
Once you begin to accept you are worth more than unrequited love and broken promises, you will begin to weed out and attract people who truly compliment you and will do anything to make you happy, whether this is a friend or a lover.
So, how do you find your perfect match? You need to love yourself and understand your worth to find love that compliments you. You deserve love that you don’t have to question.