The “friendzone” — from a man feeling slighted to a woman feeling reduced to little more than a sexual object. Regardless of how we view the friendzone, most of us understand what it is. But how many of us know why it comes about?
Men and women have different approaches to same-sex friendships.
As early as age 2, children begin to gravitate towards the same gender when forming friendships. Science may not be able to pinpoint whether this preference is because of nature or nurture (or both), but the data show it is the norm. So, these formative years of social development, which help us define our expectations for friendship and communication, are gender-based.
The same-sex friendship practices we establish as toddlers remain consistent into adulthood. For example, men generally form bonds by doing tasks and activities together, while women often grow closer by talking and providing emotional support.
These relationship expectations determine our entire lives. It’s no wonder things become tricky when we have to navigate not only platonic but also romantic and sexual dynamics.
In cross-sex friendships, these differences become apparent—but more so to men than women.
When it comes to what they view as the foundation of their close friendships, women identify the same factor whether they are talking about same-sex or opposite-sex dynamics—emotional intimacy. This means that, regardless of gender, women tend to approach their friendships the same way.
Men, however, oftentimes note a difference. While they identify activities as the basis for their friendships with other men, they point to emotional intimacy when breaking down their friendships with women. Their brains code same-sex and opposite-sex friendships differently.
What does this have to do with the friendzone?
At the end of the day, we need more research to understand the neurological reasons behind this data. But that doesn’t mean we can’t form connections and hypothesize!
When pairing data about friendship expectations and what people view as the most important factors in a successful romantic relationship, there are some interesting overlaps.
Women have consistent priorities when it comes to same-sex friendships, opposite-sex friendships, and romantic relationships. They emphasize things like open communication and emotional connection. So do men—but only regarding opposite-sex friendships and romantic relationships.
Shared interests, one of the hallmark factors of male same-sex friendships, is in the lowest third of factors considered as important by men (and women) in romantic relationships.
If heterosexual men are defining their friendships with women and their romantic relationships by the same traits, it’s no wonder the two get muddled sometimes. Pair this emotional confusion with a tendency to misinterpret female friendliness as sexual interest, and we get the perfect combination to cook up something like the friendzone.
This information isn’t meant to be an excuse for any presumptuous sexual advances or poor reactions to rejection. The goal is to be aware so we can better navigate and understand the relationships in our lives, regardless of gender.
Featured image via Lê Minh on Pexels
