I didn’t realize how deprived I was of older friends until I made a friend who’s a few years older than I am. It’s especially helpful because all of my college-aged friends are in the same stage of life, and we’re all in the thick of the same struggles. We’re all living in a new place, feeling stressed about the future and any awkward social interactions we have.
That’s where my older friend comes in.
Women at every stage of life can benefit from friendships with older women who’ve “been there.” I mean, Julia Louis-Dreyfus literally has a podcast dedicated to age-gap friendships, and she’s in her 60s. For me, though, it’s genuinely life-changing to talk to someone whose frontal lobe is fully developed because their approach to life makes it abundantly clear that mine isn’t “fully cooked” yet. There’s something incredibly grounding about an older friend sharing their perspective on the life stage that you’re currently stumbling through — they already survived it. It’s reassuring in a way that nothing else is.
You’re also more likely to listen when this perspective doesn’t come from your parents or an authority figure.
Most of us admire the wisdom that our parents try to pass down, but we also almost always have a layer of resistance to their advice. Maybe it’s an inherent rebellion, a complex relationship with your parents, or the realization that you saw how their lives unfolded and aren’t entirely sure that their advice will apply to you. When that same perspective comes from a nonjudgmental friend who won’t hold your mistakes against you, it becomes a much easier pill to swallow.
So how can we find wise, kind, warm older friends?
I met my older friend at a church community group, but maybe you’ll find yours through an alumni group for your school or even on social media. You don’t need to actively search for someone with a four-year age gap to unload all of your anxieties onto, but you should stay open if an older friend comes into your life.
It takes more courage to be with someone and trust that they’re ready to hold space for you than it does to shy away from those moments altogether. But if you open yourself up to a kind older friend who respects you as an equal, then you have everything that you could ever want.
When you’re at your current age, every decision may feel permanent, and every mistake may feel defining. An older friend doesn’t pull you out of your doubt entirely, but they remind you that the problems that you face in your 20s will eventually pass.
Your older friend has been where you are. They’ve made the wrong choices, survived them, and still built a life they love. Sometimes all you need in life is a friend standing just outside the fog, calmly telling you that you’re not lost, and you can make it to the other side. An older friend will show you that with time, you’ll become the person you’ve always dreamed of being.
Featured Photo by Ninthgrid on Unsplash.
