We need more empathy in the world. After all, empathy drives the policies that house and feed low-income families. It inspires human-centered designs and altruism—collective care. Empathy keeps the world moving. It’s necessary for a peaceful existence.
However, when do we hit an emotional wall when exercising empathy and compassion? This sounds like a question that shouldn’t be answered. It sounds like “when should we stop caring about someone’s or others’ circumstances or feelings?” If you’re naturally compassionate and empathetic, this question might feel uncomfortable. But I challenge you to ask yourself another important question. Has your empathy or compassion ever caused you pain?
What Happens When We Practice “Selective Empathy”
When we start treating our empathy as selective, then we begin to create boundaries around how much energy we expend on helping others who hurt us. More often than not, we see ourselves showing more compassion and empathy toward those we love. And sometimes, the ones we love hurt us the most. Despite this fact, we might say certain things and make certain decisions that benefit them but hurt us. When we recognize that the ones closest to us can hurt us, too, and that their position or role in our lives doesn’t matter when it comes to how we protect ourselves, we begin to find more respect and peace within ourselves.
Sitting with the discomfort.
Two truths can exist at the same time. We can be empathetic and still respect ourselves enough to establish boundaries around how we show empathy. We can love someone deeply and still protect ourselves from further harm. The best decisions we can make regarding our empathy may feel uncomfortable or messy. But when we sit with this discomfort, we’re more likely to ask ourselves if others extend us the same empathy that we give them. If these people didn’t consider us when they hurt us, then we shouldn’t expend our last drops of energy on them when we’re emotionally exhausted.
If you’re naturally empathetic, then you’re an expert at understanding why someone might have made a decision that hurt you. You might be able to reason with them, understand where they’re coming from, or “step into their shoes,” but still, their behavior doesn’t excuse their actions.Feeling deeply is a gift, but it’s only helpful when you set boundaries with others. These boundaries will show how much you care about others and give you the opportunity to extend that care to yourself.
Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash
