I meet a lot of people who share that they want a fantastic relationship- they want to fall in love. There is no better feeling than being in love, but you’ve likely found that falling in love isn’t always easy. Here’s the not-so-secret: to fall in love and live a life worth loving, you need to love yourself. We’ve all heard something like this before, but I know it to be true through my own personal experiences and from my community. It’s easy to feel resentful and like there’s just no one out there for you, but there is hope to find love once you first repair and build on the most important relationship — the one with yourself.
Why You’re Reflecting Negative Self Feelings
I’ll begin with an alarming, awakening truth: what you say about anyone, especially in dating, is how you feel about yourself. You may not have heard of them, but “mirror neurons” have been a breakthrough discovery in the past decade with neuroscience. Basically, this means that what we witness in someone else is mirrored in our brain.
If you are so eager to find love, but find yourself picking apart all prospects and only seeing the negative. These are probably things you’re insecure about. Or, if you’re looking for a partner but constantly find yourself saying things like “All men/women/whoever are awful,” or “I only attract losers,” you’re going to have a harder time finding a partner because you constantly remind yourself of this negativity. This results that you will only see these potential prospects as you keep describing them. On top of this, this is subconsciously how you feel about yourself, so you will be attracting experiences through other people that “mirror” what you think you are worthy of experiencing, based on how you feel about yourself internally.
If you’re a plant person, maybe you’ve heard how singing to your plants or telling them they’re beautiful will actually help them grow and be well. This is the power in understanding what you say to others, about others and about yourself. This same behavior transfers over into finding love. That the environment around you including the people you meet are a mirror reflection of what you are putting out into the world and that largely represents how you feel on the inside.
Know What You Love About Yourself
So, how can you begin to attract the love that you desire and deserve? Well, it requires just two actions.
The first action that must happen, which seems a bit out there but works almost 100% of the time, is to sit in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Notice what comes up: shame, happiness, self-love, anger, sadness, negative voices, etc. Allow yourself to sit here looking into the depth of your eyes, the gateway to your soul, and say “I love you.” Then from this place, choose to look yourself in the eyes and find things you love about yourself.
The way you feel about yourself internally results in how you’re speaking to others. To transform this, you must begin to actively choose to find the things you like about yourself and practice consistent positive self-talk. Whenever you start to feel negative about yourself, pause in that moment and repeat what you love about yourself in mantra like, “I am beautiful, I am strong, I offer greatness to the world.”, “I attract good things because I am a good person.”, or “I love who I am, and I love what I create.” These positive mantras will help you improve your inner voice and will eventually improve how you see others in the world.
Understand How You Want to be Loved
The second action, which worked for me when I went on a dating spree and changed my life, is to sit down and write a list of 100 activities you want to be doing with someone you love and how you want to feel during those 100 activities. How do you want to feel when you are holding hands in bed, at the park, when you’re cooking, when you are on a date, if you live together, if you get sick together, watching a movie, working together, parenting together, etc.?
After taking the time to declare how you want to feel in 100 scenarios with the person you love, your mind will begin to focus on this, and it will motivate you to take action to be someone who loves yourself enough to treat yourself this way. Your actions of understanding, claiming, and empowering yourself to feel how you want to feel will allow someone else to reflect what you are already being, doing and feeling.
These are two significant actions I learned to take in my healing journey from heartbreak and trauma, which I speak about in my third book, An Uncompromised Life. These actions have empowered me to create fairytale relationships and an abundance of moments in time I know most people wish to have in a lifetime. These two steps will empower you to become confident and attract your dream love.