Over a cup of coffee and shared blueberry scone in a crowded Starbucks, my friend Megan recently confided that because she’s overweight and less than attractive (her opinion), she has been struggling with finding love.
I love Megan dearly, and I can respect that this fear and assumption seems real to her, but I know it’s not really true. Why? Because I see all kinds of couples everywhere — of all different shapes and sizes, ages, and levels of attractiveness, even in my own family.
And the ones I know personally are madly in love and happily married. So obviously, there’s something else going on between them other than facial features and jean sizes. It could be an internal attraction — that invisible, irrational inner pull that gets the chemicals in our brain going and the heart galloping fast.
So why is my friend still single? She says she’s actively dating a lot, but somehow the ones she’s attracted to most don’t stay. How come she’s having trouble finding love?
What I’ve realized after years of working with my hypnotherapy clients (and on myself) is that it’s not about what we do, but about who’s doing it that determines the outcome.
What I mean is that each of us has two aspects: One is mature, wise, confident, clear-minded, and knows that life treats us right. The other is insecure and fearful, with beliefs like “something is wrong with me,” ”life is hard,” “I cannot be happy,” “I must struggle to get what I want,” “I don’t have a say in the matter,” “I am not in control,” or “I am not lovable.”
So when that insecure part of us shows up on a date, we’re already in a mindset that can’t produce a positive outcome. Nothing personal, it’s just how life is: a gigantic mirror reflecting back at us our own beliefs about ourselves, people, and life in general. Like attracts like, as the law of attraction dictates.
So if we want a different reflection or attraction, then we need to change our thinking so that our beliefs correspond to our desires. I actually find that very empowering, because to me it means that I am always in control over my mind and what it’s projecting forward.
So what does my friend need to do to find love and find it soon? Just this: Address and diffuse the mental obstacles held by her insecure self, and that will result in clearing the path between her and… him.
Here are the most common insecurities single women face, which need to be transformed into positive statements of empowerment that will help them with finding love:
1. Being afraid of abandonment.
My father left me when I was very young, which means that I am not lovable and he doesn’t care about me.
Confident self: It’s true that he left, and it was difficult and painful. But in no way does it mean that something is wrong with me and that I’m unlovable. In fact, this experience sharpened my preference for a healthy and lasting relationship. And since this is what I want, I can have it that way. Besides, I can never lose what’s truly mine!
2. Having a negative family influence.
My parents had a tumultuous relationship, they were fighting a lot, and I was helpless to fix their marriage so I could feel safe.
Confident self: Perhaps they did, and yes, it was frightening — but it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t safe. Besides, it was never my responsibility to fix their problems; it was theirs, and they did the best they could. By removing this childhood fear, I’ll realize that I’m in control and can feel safe in a relationship. That puts me one step closer to meeting my future partner.
3. Being afraid to speak up for yourself.
My mother was very controlling over my father, and he lost his voice. And I’m just like my dad. I don’t want to lose my freedom and independence.
Confident self: That was between them, and they both acted out from their childhood wounds. But I am my own person, free and naturally independent, whether I’m in or out of a relationship. I can relax now, knowing I’m allowed to express my needs and preferences openly, enjoying my freedom while welcoming a loving partnership into my life.
4. Not having a good history of healthy relationships.
I had a really bad marriage experience. I was abused and mistreated before, so I’m afraid it will happen again.
Confident self: That’s not possible, because now that I’m updating my mind, and shifting my thinking to a positive mode, I’ll have a different outcome. Because when I make a new decision about what a relationship means to me (for example, to give and receive love), I can let go of the past and allow the right partner into my life.
It’s so good to know that all those insecurities born in childhood and stored in our unconscious mind no longer apply, because we are adults now — much wiser, experienced, resourceful, and in control of our mentality. It does take focus and practice to think maturely, but it’s a habit well worth developing.
Remember: Like attracts like, so when you are your confident, lovable self, you’ll attract someone who feels the same.
It turns out that finding lasting love is more about developing healthy self-esteem than perfect looks. But it’s also true that when we feel good internally, we tend to eat healthier and exercise. Suddenly, we care about our health and well-being and our power and confidence shine through — the true source of our personal attraction.
And now your “one” is already on their way, meeting you on your wide open, unobstructed path because love is an internal emotion that radiates from the depths of your soul, crying out for its other half, pulling your true partner toward you with irresistible force.