When you first fall in love and feel deeply convinced the new guy you’re dating is “the one,” you might think that if he only loved you back, you’d be in seventh heaven.
This might lead you on an attempt to run that extra mile in order to entice him. You might think it’s a good idea to make sure you’re always available, perhaps going so far as skipping chances to meet up with other people in the hope that he might call and ask you to do something.
That’s a natural response to the attraction you’re feeling, but there’s a fine line between being a kind woman doing what it takes to invest in a loving relationship with a man, and overdoing it in your efforts to get this man you don’t even know all that well to want you.
What does trying too hard in a new relationship look like?
1. You put him ahead of everyone and everything in your life.
You’re starving for his words and can hardly wait to hear his voice. You feel you have to be constantly available in order to get him to like you.
However, this type of behavior communicates that you don’t have a life, friends, or worse — the people and things in your life, including you, are worthless compared to him.
You don’t have to be available 24/7, and it’s healthier that you aren’t.
2. You answer his texts (even when it’s disruptive).
For the “digital native” generation, this might seem like an archaic rule, but answering your boyfriend’s text immediately isn’t always advised, especially if answering will cause you additional trouble.
For example, if you’re hanging out with a friend that deserves your undivided attention, or in a meeting at work, or even exercising at the gym, replying the second he talks to you can disrupt your life and upset people around you.
Make your position clear from the beginning. Wait a few minutes or a little bit to text back. Don’t put your boyfriend’s wants and needs so far above yourself and your own needs.
3. You allow his schedule to determine your own.
If you drop everything in your own life to adjust to his schedule, you’re going to make yourself extremely unhappy. You’ll lose your time with your friends, hobbies, and even favorite pastime activities. Your needs will not be fulfilled.
Unfulfilled needs can wreak havoc on your physical and mental health. You can lose sleep rest, social network, support people, and much more.
Clarify your priorities; create a balance between time spent with him and with other significant events of your life. Having a full, independent life full of colorful activities, people and interest are how you get the guy to like you.
4. You agree with everything he says, even if you feel otherwise.
Supporting his ideas is a good way to get a guy to like you. It feels good to agree on many things. It can make you feel like you’ve found your “soulmate,” since you have so many things in common to share together.
On the other hand, there is no way that you can possibly agree on everything. But disagreements can be good for you, and healthy as well!
5. You turn a blind eye to his bad behavior.
If he is not on the same page as you in regard to integrity (like lying, cheating or taking something he is not supposed to take), it’s going to be uncomfortable for you.
It’s possible that in order to get the guy to like you, you may even go along with whatever he’s getting into. And then you’ll end up making excuses for his bad behavior to justify it, which could put you at odds with your own morals and ideas, in addition to your friends and family.
Set up your priorities. If the things he’s doing are not OK in your book, you need to let him know where the line he cannot cross is, and follow up with your decision if he doesn’t listen to you.
6. You apologize all the time, even when he’s the one in the wrong.
Many times, this is the first sign of you bending over backward in your relationship and trying too hard. You take responsibility for your actions; yet, you also take responsibility for his actions when he’s upset you.
You’d like to see him take accountability for what he’s done, but would rather just not upset him. You’re worried that if you call him out on his actions, he’ll get angry at you.
If he has a tendency to blame you for his missteps, pay attention and see if you’re accepting this blame. Determine who is really responsible for what part of a conflict. You can apologize if you did something wrong or hurt his feelings, but you should never accept blame for what you haven’t done.
And when your guy is in the wrong, it’s healthy and normal to expect an apology for the things he did that hurt you.
7. You let him walk all over you.
If you are a “peacekeeper,” you might be more lenient with him than with yourself. While avoiding conflicts can be helpful sometimes, it’s detrimental to your relationship in the long run.
The balance you set up now will stick with you for the duration of your relationship. And if you’re trying to find a soulmate, that means you’re potentially looking at the rest of your life!
Taking care of yourself is not selfish — it is part of a balanced, healthy relationship. When you’re confident in yourself and know what you need in a relationship, you’re going to shine to potential partners, and attract people to you who admire and respect that confidence.
Don’t try so hard to get someone to like you; like yourself enough to know what you deserve in a relationship.