Ask Ada: I Caught Feelings For My Friends With Benefits, What Should I Do?

I recently started sleeping with a friend of almost 5 years. We always had a flirty connection but only recently started a “friends with benefits” relationship (his idea). I was reluctant, so we both agreed to keep our FWB relationship casual.

Despite our casual encounters, I’ve been talking to other guys, and he’s been seeing other girls. But things are just so different when I’m with him. Maybe it’s just our long-standing friendship,  but I often spend the night when I’m in town, and we frequently make relationship jokes.

I told him how I felt about a month ago, but he insisted that he’s not ready to make any type of commitment. I definitely want something more than just casual sex, though. So, should I end our relationship? How can I make our situation work without hurting our friendship? And how the f*ck do I get him off my mind?



Hi A,

Let’s review the facts, shall we? Your good friend made the first move, and you reluctantly agreed to start casually hooking up with him. A few months later, you told him that you caught feelings. He then responded, saying that he doesn’t want a relationship because the girl he supposedly likes feels the same way? 

He doesn’t sound like boyfriend material at all. 

Even if your confession caught him off guard, he had time to think about the situation and give you some peace of mind. He could have agreed to date you exclusively. He also could have expressed that he has commitment issues and called off your “friends with benefits” arrangement. While neither of those conversations would be easy to handle, at least either would show some consideration for your feelings. After all, friends don’t let friends suffer unnecessary heartache.

But then again, those conversations would deprive this guy of a  cool lady friend who also happens to provide a free place to stay when he visits town. Your FWB may not actually be a bad guy, but he definitely sounds lazy and selfish.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is break your relationship off entirely.

Breaking up with someone is hard and unpleasant. You won’t be able to stay at his place or send each other hilarious memes anymore. Most of all, you won’t have all the things that you love about him.

However, breaking  off your FWB relationship will allow you to take control of the situation. You won’t have to deal with him giving off weird on-again, off-again vibes. You’ll be free to date other people without the fear of losing a 5-year friendship looming over your head. You can also take this time away from him to find a new hobby, strengthen your other friendships, or go on a major trip. Or if that’s not your thing, you can throw yourself into your career, volunteer work, or anything else that makes you happy. 

Most importantly, this break from your FWB will renew your energy since this stressful situation is currently taking up most of your time.

Feature Image via Pexels

If your friend figures out what he wants, he knows where to reach you. Right now, though, both of you need some space from each other.

Good luck



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