Why I Choose Not To Define My Sexuality And Neither Should You


I recently finished the book series “The Bisexual,” which I have to say is really well-written. And something about it stuck with me. In the books, Leila tries sleeping with men after breaking up with her long-term girlfriend and it goes down like a sack of shit. Her mates and her ex berate her for not being a “real” lesbian, and they question her sexuality. It made me realize that there are all these restrictions, all these rules, and they don’t simply apply to the “straight” section of our society. I just couldn’t stop thinking, “So what if she wants to sleep with men?” 

When it comes to sexuality, there are so many rules, so many definitions, so many judgements. 

Personally, I have slept with as many women as men. Does this make me a bisexual? I have no fucking idea. I personally just don’t think it matters.

When I first met my fiancé (let’s call him Alex), he asked me if I had ever fancied girls. I said yes and when I had broken up with my horrible ex I thought, finally a chance to explore this side of me. Alex, who is a very sexual person, said we should do it together. And so our search for a threesome began. 

Moreover, I would like to point out that, since then, I have slept with girls without him, so this was in no way simply fulfilling every man’s fantasy of having a threesome. Alex is the most loving, sexy, and open-minded person I have ever met. He wants me to feel sexually liberated and safe. 

When we went on our first date with another woman, I was the most scared I have ever been. I was physically shaking. But once we had sex, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. 

I feel like societal rules and expectations of who we should sleep with, how we should do it, and the labels we give ourselves restrict us from so much pleasure. After reading so many negative reports about threesomes, I have to say that every single one I’ve had has been fucking amazing. 

Sometimes, there are moments of awkwardness, like, “err what do I do now while they’re fucking?”. Or moments of jealousy from both sides, usually exacerbated by drink or drugs. But, hey! We’re all human at the end of the day. Jealousy is an ugly but normal emotion. 

Overall the experiences have all been totally unique. It’s so exciting to watch Alex pleasure another woman, and as long as everything feels good, it’s a beautiful thing. It’s also been extremely good for me to explore this part of my sexuality. I love having sex with women. It feels natural and incredible.

In “The Bisexual,” the term “pussy tourist” is banded around. The idea of it annoys me because maybe people would use that to describe me. But when I think about it a bit more, I realize that I have it easy. I am outwardly a straight girl. My sexual exploration comes with the heteronormative security of a male fiancé. I haven’t had to come out to my parents or been discriminated against because of my sexuality.

I guess people can call me what they want: bisexual, pussy tourist, lesbian, straight, bicurious. Because at the end of the day, I simply love sex. I love sex with men, I love sex with women, I love sex with both at the same time. Does it have to have a label?

Featured image via Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash


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