You devote hours of your day texting and just thinking about him. Hair and outfits perfectly planned, every date you are dressed to kill. You go the extra mile just to make him smile, you give tirelessly to satisfy his every whim and be at his beckon call. The truth is, you actually care about him… a lot.
Yet, each night you are left pondering one question: Does he really care about me?
The silence of each unanswered message shatters your heart; the way he pulls away when you cling to him eats away at your soul. He constantly forgets you, and apologies aren’t really his thing. Compliments rarely caress your ears, just like the sweet kisses on your forehead that almost never come.
But, when the light is just right and everything’s perfectly falling into place, he whispers that he’s so deeply into you that he never wants the night to end.
Your chest feels heavy. It’s nearly impossible to swallow. You can barely breathe. Tears form and fall, gently gliding down your cheeks the way you wish his fingers would. Even when he’s there, you somehow feel… alone.
Deep down, you know the truth: if he actually liked you, you wouldn’t have to worry if he did.
If he actually cared for you, you’d hear it in his voice.
Excitement and joy would resound in the overtones; love and adoration would drip from the vibrations of his vocal cords. There’d be no question in his words because they’d be deep, refreshing, and true. Every text message would show his fondness, and every moment together would be his chance to make you feel like the most special part of his world.
But instead, all you hear are lackluster confessions and monotone conversations. You feel the need to ask him constantly what he’s thinking and how he feels about you. Even when he says he cares, something inside of you bubbles with questions and second guesses. You want him to adore you, but something screams that maybe he never really did.
If he really wanted you, you’d see it in his body.
Smiles and jubilation would cover his face; desire would burn as he moved his body closer to yours. His palms might be sweaty as he reaches for your hand, or his heart may pound out of his chest as your lips meet. Every movement would be delicate and purposeful in order to shower you with affection and provide you with pleasure.
Yet all you see is tension in his muscles and stern looks upon his face. His movements are deliberate but avoidant, he only hesitantly touches you and almost never caresses your face or showers you in kisses. Your body burns with passionate desire, but it’s constantly met with his attempts to snuff it out.
If he actually loved you, you’d feel it in his soul.
There’d be depth and desire glimmering in his eyes; shades of red and pink would gleam within his aura. The passionate energy would radiate from his body into everything and everyone around him. You would feel his love for you deep within your gut, you’d know it to be true with every fiber of your being.
But, alas, instead of fiery passion, the only thing you feel from him is a hollow apathy. His eyes are an empty void into an unexcited, stone cold soul. There are hints of life, that his heart is beating… but it’s not for you.
The truth stings. It burns your skin and crushes your heart, so you’ve been avoiding it, living in a safety net of false hopes mixed with delusional dreams. But, deep down you know what the signs are telling you and you can read all the signals with great skill.
If he actually liked you, you wouldn’t be asking yourself if he did.
So, allow your heart to be free and your spirit to break out of the shackles that false love has placed on you. He doesn’t like you, he never really did, but that’s not on you, my dear. You deserve so much love, love that he simply doesn’t have to give. Fly away, break free, escape the prison of infatuation he’s put you in and accept what your heart has known this whole time.
Eventually, you’ll find the man that shows you that real love isn’t full of fear and questioning, but excitement and exuberant adoration. And when you find that man who actually likes you, you won’t be asking yourself if he does because you’ll simply know.
Previously Published on Thought Catalog