I’ve been sitting here feeling guilty. Guilty for things I really shouldn’t be. I feel guilty for missing you, for not calling you when I’ve been drinking, for not looking for your truck in every parking lot anymore. I wonder if you think about me, and if so, how often. I was sad because I wasn’t sad.
How messed up is that?
When a relationship ends, people expect you to be heartbroken. Devastated. Friends prepare themselves to pry your phone out of your hands to stop you from texting your ex. Fortunately, or unfortunately I’m still deciding, that wasn’t the case for us. I haven’t gotten so much as a text from you. I haven’t given you anything either. You like my posts on social media, and I unfollowed you on it all. I don’t even check up on you anymore. It’s only been a few weeks, but all I wonder is if you’re okay. I’ll hear a song on the radio that you kissed me too and wonder if you think about me, or turn the station the minute it comes on. I’m not too sure how your life is going, and I know it would be toxic to get involved again.
I don’t miss you, and I know that sounds heartless. Let me explain.
I was delusional and I finally woke up. I miss the version of you that you couldn’t grow up to be. I guess a part of it is my fault, maybe I expected too much out of you before you were ready. Whatever the reason for our separation, I do wish the best for you. I want you to know that I’m doing okay.
I thought I would be a mess and never feel like myself again. I must say, I haven’t felt more like myself than I have since you stopped being in my life. A part of me will always wonder what we could have been, and the other part of me is glad I didn’t stick around to never truly find out. We wouldn’t have worked, regardless of if we kept working on “us”.
I never heard the words that I needed you to say while we were together, until you realized I would leave. And, at that point, your words fell on deaf ears.
Getting over you was a lot like breathing fresh air after being suffocated.
I spend time with my friends and don’t hesitate to go out downtown. I go for afternoon coffee with old friends and don’t talk about you. I have been taking care of myself, eating better, sleeping better, and working out more without you. I’m healthier and happier than I’ve been in a long time. Getting over you was my saving grace, even though the beginning felt like torture.
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