Sex is something I have always been uncomfortable about. I have known about it for a long time, but it’s not something that I have ever been super knowledgeable about. What I know I know from other people. Every encounter I have ever had with sex has not been a positive one. So naturally the idea of sex and the thought of doing it gives me great sexual anxiety.
There is a lot of pressure I feel like, to do it. Society kind of looks down on you if you don’t. And while I won’t disclose here if I have ever done it or not, I will disclose that it does scare me. I mentioned encountering it before but that it no way means I have had sex. Just because it scares me is no indication that I have never had sex. All this means is the idea of sex and the pressure of it all, gives me anxiety.
I know that I am not alone in this sexual anxiety. I know there are people out there who have also had rough experiences in this area and struggle with the idea of having sex. But there is so much pressure that I’m not sure how to talk about it. I have never known who to talk to or if it’s okay to talk about. I do know that I hope that this sexual anxiety doesn’t stick around forever. I would like to be at ease about this at some point.
I refuse to have sex with just anyone. I refuse to do it on a first date, especially if it is with someone I have just met. I want to wait until I feel comfortable. I refuse to let anyone push my anxieties further and make me do it before I am ready. It’s my body and I won’t give it to anyone I don’t want to. I have had relationships in the past, but that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t waited. Love doesn’t always equal sex in my book. Sometimes I’m not physically or mentally ready to take that step and I truly believe that no matter what anyone else thinks, that’s okay.
There is so much pressure on how sex should be viewed and what it’s supposed to be like. It’s so discontorted that it has me wondering if I even have the right view on sex. It’s supposed to be this wonderful and magical thing, but given my experience with the subject, it can be really traumatizing. It has hurt me in the past and I can’t guarantee that it won’t hurt me again. That’s where my real anxiety lies. Being hurt. I don’t want it to define me or any of my relationships. I don’t want it to be about sex.
Sex gives me anixety. I’m sure it is very natural to feel this way in the beginning. I know that I am not alone. But I don’t want it to become an issue. I have too much other stress in my life to worry about sex. I want it to be a good thing. I want it to be something I share with the person I love, whoever that may be. I believe that one day I will be able to share it and not feel anxious. Until then, I will wait.
Featured image via LaBella Instagram Tumblr