5 Hilarious Yet Necessary Things I’d Change If I Were The President

I am human, hear me roar.

As a society, we emphasize far too much on what pulls us apart, but no one takes the time to talk about how our mutual disdain might actually bind us together. Especially in a world filled with so much ongoing hate, society should take time to discover new ways to connect.

While it’s normal to bond with someone over similar interests, I think there’s a value in sharing a bond with someone over having the same pet peeves as you. If I ever ran for president, this would be foundation of my campaign:

1. Reinstate Ugly Phases

In the past 5 years, I’ve noticed kids don’t have ugly phases anymore. It’s as if they go to bed one night looking like a kid and wake up the next morning looking like an adult, with full, contoured faces and bodies to match. There’s nothing wrong with being a little ugly in the middle school years. I’m talking about braces, pimples and some foundation that doesn’t exactly match. It’ll fade after the middle school years, as all ugly phases do. I think this is a very practical request, although, I’m not quite sure how to make this into a reality.

2. Outlaw slime

This may be more of a personal pet peeve because I think slime is disgusting and I don’t understand the purpose of it. Slime does not belong outside of middle school science labs. It’s an Instagram-viral trend that leaves behind a mess. From the kids, I’ve heard claims that it helps with their “stress” (STOP FOOLING YOURSELVES). I understand there’s comfort in squeezing the life out of the slime, but it doesn’t actually fix your problems, which leads me to my next executive order as President:

3. Therapy for everyone

Therapy is good. I feel bad for those people who’ve grown up their entire lives being told therapy is bad and to keep all their feelings pent up inside of them forever. No one has ever benefited from that way of thinking. Therapy doesn’t make you weak. It actually has the potential to make you stronger because you’ll be able to sort through your shit. Plus, society has become increasingly unpredictable (in all the wrong ways), and therapy could be a great starting point for helping us cope with our quickly-changing world. Therapy is good for everyone. It doesn’t mean your an less of a person for seeking help, it shows a great deal of maturity.

4. Outlaw Apple Earpods

I’m sorry, but they just look ridiculous. If you lose one, then what? Does anyone remember how Apple’s best marketing campaign was based upon the silhouette people with the headphones? That was a better time. I can’t take anyone who wears earpods in public seriously.

5. Ban Scientology

While I am all for freedom of religion, Scientology is not a religion; it’s a cult. Just watch Season 1 and 2 of Leah Remini’s Aftermath of Scientology and you’ll understand. The show explores various aspects of “the church” and the sheer levels of brainwashing they’ll go through to keep people involved. They even have tax-exempt status, but every part of their establishment is built on lies. The things they’ve been getting away with are insane (making kids sign billion year contracts to an organization, forced abortions, auditing, the levels in the cult) and should be outlawed. After all, contracts signed by minors in the U.S. are not legally binding, but the pseudoscience fanatics have a way with brainwashing that should stop being overlooked.

I could rant on and on about all the things I would change if I became president. That list could easily go on forever. But think of these as tasteful suggestions to really make society great again.

Featured Image via Pexels


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