Clammy hands. Jittery leg. Heart racing. Anxiety building. Breathing shortens. Mind speeding through what I might have done wrong. I’m running back over every word that we have spoken, every move that might be mistaken. I’m half in tears thinking that this is the end, but then trying to be strong knowing that he is the one that will be missing out. I’m half out the door ready to close the door on this relationship, and then I get a text from him. I overreacted again. He wasn’t kidnapped by zombies or joined a flash mob gang that didn’t allow him to text me back; He just didn’t see my text. I hate this part of me. I hate this part of me that makes me think the worst. I hate the person I become when we first start dating.
I hate the person that I become when I start liking someone new. I’m used to being indifferent towards relationships and gentlemen, I feel no worries in the world, but when I feel like it might have potential and this guy could really understand me, I freak out. Not in the, “I’m bat-shit crazy and I’m going to kill you so no one else can have you” way, but in the sense that I feel like I might vomit on your shoes I’m so nervous to be in your presence. Think of Paulette from Legally Blonde when she sees the UPS man that she has been in love with for ages, but only does dumb things in front of him. That is me. Times ten thousand.
There is something that happens to you when you first start dating someone after coming out of a bad relationship or any relationship for that matter. It is this effect that comes over you and makes you want to prevent screwing it up this time around, but it also feels like self-sabotage at the same time. There is this nervous energy about you that wants to be yourself, but also be perfect for a guy that makes you feel as though you are going to lose it all if you can’t keep it together. That my friend is called dating and it sucks.
The only thing that is going to help you to better yourself from these behaviors is to keep working at them. I’m aware, easier said than done, but the more that you put yourself out there and allow yourself the ability to be open to new opportunities, the less anxiety you will have. When you only allow yourself one date every year, of course, it is going to seem like you are a newbie who hasn’t trained for a challenge like American Ninja Warrior. You have to allow yourself to be open to taking chances and embarrassing yourself. No one is perfect, and the one that is perfect for you will accept and appreciate all of those embarrassing moments as much as they appreciate you.
You are also putting too much pressure on yourself and this one person. There are many of fish in the sea. So what if he loves Harry Potter as much as you do or has listened to that one obscure band that you are obsessed with. If it is going to work, it is going to work. No need to try to force things to happen quickly or rush into something that might end badly. Enjoy the time that you get to spend with them and stop holding yourself back. Now is your opportunity to relax and date it up!
Featured Image via Unsplash.