Today I threw out my scissors.
I’ve never been one for seeking attention and that was why I felt I could always keep this my secret. I was never going to tell anyone what I used to do with those scissors but it has become such a large part of today’s society where people harm themselves when they do not need to. People need to know it’s more than a day, more than a tweet, and more than a few jokes on the sidewalk.
So I decided maybe my story could help others realize life is worth living.
I was a very determined cutter, determined that no one but me would know. One who cut on the inner top thighs of my legs so that I would be the only one to see my pain. I thought I was being so smart, but at the same time, I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking about what my husband will say when he sees the marks on our wedding night, nor was I thinking about wearing a bikini. I honestly thought it was just a quick release of pain and suffering then I would be fine, back to my old self.
That is not the case. Now every single scar reminds me of my past. It wasn’t a release of pain, it was a band-aid. I was too scared to come forward, too scared to speak up, too scared to have anyone hear me say the words, ” I’m a cutter and I need help.”
I do not refer to myself as someone with self-harm issues anymore, and nor do I think what I did was right, but it is also not right how alone and abandoned some people feel when they do not need to be.
I know so many people who have at some point in their lives felt so alone that they hurt themselves instead of working through the pain in a healthy way. For me, I needed to feel more because despite all I had it wasn’t enough. I had a family, a boyfriend, my health and my schooling. Although I was different. I wanted to live a different lifestyle than the people I surrounded myself with. I needed a change but I didn’t know where to find it or what to look for. Sometimes you just cannot see past the present. Sometimes the future is so blurry you cannot wrap your head around it, and sometimes there is no one there that can possibly help you. Sometimes it is only you, and for most people that is a very scary thought to have. For me, I thought I liked being alone and I do, but sometimes being alone is worse than being in a room full of people.
But you are one in a million and life can get hard. You make choices and every single choice leads you to where you end up next, but taking my pain, my stress, my sadness, my anger, and my hatred out on myself was the worst thing I could have ever done.
I still feel the need to put a bandaid over my problems, but then I really think hard. I think about the next few years, and although I do not know how they will pan out, I know for a fact I do not want to have to buy a long sleeve wedding dress because I am too afraid to show my scars. I know for a fact that I can rock a bikini and I want to. I know for a fact I do not want my kids to one day ask me why I have scars. I do not want to be discriminated against because of my past, and I want my future to be as bright as it possibly can be. I was not perfect; I was a cutter. I used to have a certain pair of scissors, I used to cover my pain, but today I put that behind me. I start with hobbies that keep me happy, I surround myself with people who truly bring out the best in me and I focus more on myself than I do on the little things in life.
My only advice to you if you are not a self-harmed victim is to not judge. Society has a view of every single person who is known to be a cutter, and it is not a positive view. There are people who are truly suffering out in your community and you wouldn’t even know it. So be nice to everyone because you do not know what happens behind closed doors and if you do notice someone struggling, offer some support because even the slightest concern means the world to certain people. Who knows, maybe you can save someone’s life by politely saying hello.
Now for the people who suffer from self-harm issues, I reassure you that things will be okay. For the people who do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, and for the people who are there for themselves when no one else is, my advice for you is to keep your head high. One day it will be okay. One day you’ll wake up and realize how blessed you are. That one day you’ll look at the knife or those scissors with a sense of regret but a sense of love. Love for the way you are with your body now. And regret for the way you’ve been treating it.
All in all, you are a beautiful human being and you were put on this earth for a reason, a reason you probably do not know yet, so why waste your chance of figuring that out?
Who knows, we may not even wake up tomorrow, so live each day like it is your last. Live each day believing there is something better, something more alive, something that creates a spark inside yourself.
Just please, stop hurting yourself because it is not worth it, it is not worth the suffering. You have so much more to offer, sometimes it just takes time.