You Are What You Drink: The Alcoholic Beverage Equivalent To Your College Major

Published by A.J.

Picking a college major can be tough. Unfortunately, unlike all those dreamers and go-getters out there who took the SATS when they were 12, we don’t all have it figured out. We’re young, we’re dumb, and we don’t know what we want to do. So for all you kids out there who need a career, sit back, grab a cold drink and give this a read.

Business: Gin & Tonic

This is simple. A business major is a Gin & Tonic in every sense. It starts off a little rough, a little bitter (Business Calculus) but once you hit the third or fourth, you’re feeling no pain, and you’ve managed to meet the bartender. Even though you think her name is Carly and her name is Kate, you’re convinced she wants to go home with you, and you leave a wildly inappropriate tip. Business school is the same way, you find your way after a few screw-ups, you meet more connections than you can remember, you continually boost your already enormous ego, and eventually you walk out with a degree and a job.

Engineering: Whiskey Straight

Think about it. It’s just stupid. Who wants to sit in a room full of know-it-alls and learn up to Calculus 8, just so common folk like myself can respond promptly after inquiring about your major with the overused joke —“oh, so you want to build bridges.” It’s undesirable, just like straight whiskey. But see engineers are just like people who drink straight whiskey. Both hate their craft, yet they’ll be the first to act like it’s the greatest thing on earth, and they’ll make you seem like whatever you’re drinking (studying) is as useless as Danny Devito on the cover of GQ.

Communications: Tequila Shots

Oh what a great idea guys. Take the ‘fun’ route through college. Well let’s relate the ‘fun’ major to a night of Tequila shots. It starts off with an eerie feeling that in 12 hours you’re really going to regret what you’ve done. One turns to two, two to three and three to twelve. Next thing you know, you wake up in the basement of your own home, with no pants on, no dignity, and a faint inkling of you telling the bartender “I WANNA FUCKING MARRY YOU KELLY!” Communications is the same way, except you’re waking up in the basement of your parents house, still with no dignity, and with absolutely no income, other than the skin studies you do at the local dermatologist for $60 a pop.

Journalism: Water

Oh Christ on the cross. Journalism majors. Here we go. Journalism majors are the equivalent of ordering water at the bar. Why? Two reasons. Just like their career, their drunk will never happen. Journalism in 2014 is about as relevant as Chumbawamba if they never made their song Tubthumping. And secondly, journalism majors are the judgmental sober sister who is literally tweeting every blacked out embarrassing mistake you make. They take note of everything you do and take pride in a piece they create at your expense. So yeah, journalism majors are as necessary as ordering water at the bar. Go home Miss “I’m going to write for Politico because I interned for the senior editor of my local newspaper,” you’re sober. Oh yeah, also, your thick rimmed glasses, thrift shop cardigan, and pack of American Spirits bother me almost as much as the fact that your hardest class is Thinking and Writing.

Pre-Med: Vodka

Ah good old Pre-Med; everyone is going to be a doctor, then they realize it just doesn’t work that way. This is just like Vodka. You see, Vodka is drunk by the innocent, naive, uneducated college freshman. They come into college, fresh out of high school with nothing but a fire in their belly, and a hankering for Burnett’s Tropical Punch. After one semester, the taste aversion to Vodka is so bad they can’t even use hand sanitizer anymore and the thought of Vodka makes you want to vomit. Pre-Med is the same way, after one semester, half the class drops out and moves to business and even the thought of Chemistry makes you want to vomit. For those who stay, I commend you, because I’m the mentally unstable old man you’ll be diagnosing in 40 years.

English: Beer

This one just flat out makes sense to me. If I wasn’t comparing majors to alcohol right now, I’d say an English major is a lot like Catholicism. Just like we better hope there is a heaven after life, English majors better hope there’s law school after their fourth year. Otherwise, they’ll end up in an inner-city elementary school trying to teach kids vernacular other than the ‘f’ word. BUT in the sense of alcohol, English majors are like beer. If you’re drinking to get drunk with beer, you better hope you’re going to the BAR. Sorry, I had to. But seriously, if you don’t pair that beer with some liquor, you’re going to end up like Uncle Dave at the family Christmas party –a recovering alcoholic sipping O’Douls, while the rest of the family is shitfaced off his brother’s homemade wine. English majors are the same way. If they don’t end up as lawyers, they’re going to be Uncle Dave… and alcoholic.

General Studies: Nothing

Stop. Either sign your contract with the Cowboys, or get a real major.

So that’s my comparison of college majors, in terms of something we can all relate to. If you were wondering, I’m a pompous business major, who goes out 3-4 times a week, and has an ego bigger than that of the regrets of a communications major that’s bad with names. If you have any questions, I’d be happy to answer and I’m actually nicer than you think. I appreciate your time. Peace, love and hair product.



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