College is a great excuse to get out of your comfort zone and start exploring possibilities that you would only dream of in high school. For instance, ditching your current relationship in pursuit of one-night stands.
I admit that in high school I would fantasize about sleeping with a copious amount of women; women that I would see daily but didn’t know. It was then in college that this fantasy started to become a reality. When I was on a ‘break’ – the most ambiguous form of a relationship – with my girlfriend I would find solace in drinking, which then allowed desire to sabotage my behavior.
It wasn’t until the next morning, after a lustful, impetuous night, that I started to contemplate if having random sex is as satisfactory in practice as it sounds in theory. And, honestly, it’s NOT.
A lot of the time the hook-ups were sloppy, dispassionate, uncomfortable, and just plain boring. This got me thinking. Why am I having okay sex with random women when I can have great sex with someone I care about? Isn’t that when sex is most intimate, and therefore, the best? Hell yeah it is!
The thing about serious relationships in college is they become part of your mundane, everyday rituals (i.e. good morning/good night texts, phone conversations, dates, sleep overs, sex, etc.), but what happens if you break-up? We know what happens, all of that goes away. And, for guys, one of the hardest voids to fill in that now lost sequence is sex. It’s a basic need for humans – and when I say sex, I don’t mean the basic function of penetration – but allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable with someone else and sharing your most intimate self with that person.
After a few one-night stands, I found I wasn’t any happier than before. In fact, those random hook-ups left me in a worse psychological state because it made me immediately think of my ex, and feel immense jealousy to think that she was doing the same thing.
It’s not because I’m insecure and controlling. I just want the person she chooses to be me. Why is there something wrong with that, but the notion of moving on naked with a stranger is acceptable and expected? I’m calling bullshit.
So, while most college students’ game plan may be to go out, get drunk, and see what comes of the night – sexual innuendo alert, I quickly learned that the game plan needed revising.
New game plan: Call Your Ex.
Now you might be thinking, “But Bryenn, that’s such a bad idea to sleep with your ex because you clearly have feelings for her.” Let’s get one thing clear: everyone, big or small, has feelings for their ex. This is what separates us humans (and dolphins), because we have the ability to be attached emotionally to the notion of sex and our sexual partners, and not just for reproduction purposes.
Sex is suppose to be pleasurable and it should make us feel good. This is the concept of a one-night stand.
So of course I have feelings attached to hooking-up with her. But it’s more than that. I rather have fun, meaningful sex with someone I know and care about, rather than weird, boring sex with a stranger. To me, having sex with my ex brings me a sense of excitement, closure, anticipation, and fulfillment that a stranger cannot.
Think of it like this; having sex with an ex in college is similar to going home for the weekend. It’s a breath of familiarity and security; you know what you’re going to get and you’ll like it. Why try to fix what’s not broken?
Additionally, the sex is usually better with your ex than with a stranger. When you bring someone home you never know what you’re going to get; one minute you’re walking into her room, taking off her clothes, and the next minute she wants you to spank her with a whip and call her mommy – true story and will make any man celibate.
I’ve found that ex-sex works best if you’re not an emotional roller-coaster and can handle a mature, physical-only relationship with someone you know can’t be in your future – this isn’t permanent, just like college isn’t permanent. Ex-sex has an expiration date and is only to be used to help cope with stress, finals, alcohol-induced erections, hormones, lonely nights, boredom, and, in some cases, exercise.
Until I find someone else that makes me feel as good and comfortable as my ex, then I’m fine with having ex-sex rather than having who-are-you-and-why-are-you-doing-that sex.