5 Signs That College Is A Distorted Reality

I don’t know if I’d agree that college is the best time of your life (I don’t know about you, but I really enjoyed that period of my life where all I had to do was eat, sleep, poop, and repeat), but I would agree that college is a special time of your life.  College, in theory, is supposed to be the place we go to where we learn how to prepare ourselves for the real world.  We learn about the material we will be using during our adult jobs, how to live on our own, and who we really are as people.  I’m not saying that any of these are false, but I am saying that we also learn a whole bunch of ridiculous shit that does NOT carry over into the real world after you graduate.

1.  People will forgive you for almost anything you do while drunk.

Frankly, I did not see true forgiveness in action until I went to college, because I have witnessed and heard of (mostly heard of) some absolutely ridiculous, astoundingly drunken mistakes in my time, and I have witnessed some equally absolutely ridiculous, astoundingly crazy acts of forgiveness. Before college, I didn’t know it was possible for somebody to forgive a boyfriend or girlfriend that had some drunken make-out session with Blackout-Drunk Billy from STAT110. Likewise, I didn’t think one could possibly forgive a friend who drunkenly stumbled through their bedroom, took all the clothes out of the dressers and threw them all over the room, tore down the curtains, peed literally ALL OVER the room, and then left without so much as a further explanation. But apparently it is, because these are both real things that I’ve seen people forgive others for.

In the real world, though?  That’s not going to happen.  In college, everybody is usually just so forgiving because they know that they’ve done equally ratchet things while in an inebriated state, and they’re just glad that they weren’t the one dry humping a fire hydrant or whatever.  Once you leave college, people have progressed beyond pounding shots and are now perfectly content with sipping wine coolers in the corner and judging that one girl pounding shots of Smirnoff,

Don’t be that one girl pounding post-college shots of Smirnoff.

2. It’s socially acceptable to arrive late to pretty much everything.

I can’t think of a single instance in college in which it’s absolutely, 100% not okay for somebody to be late.  Late to class? Meh, you just missed the intro.  Late to a study group?  It’s okay, you just needed to pick up Chipotle first.  Late to a party?  Good, you’re a loser if you’re not.

In the real world? If you arrive late to a job interview, game over, pack up your things and leave because there is NO hope for you.  Granted, you can get away with arriving to some jobs late, but generally speaking, people will respect you so much less if you’re tardy to conference calls, meetings, appointments, classes, etc.  Unfortunately, though, we’re all getting accustomed to this typical pattern of lateness.

Which is bad, because that’s only going to bite us all in the ass someday.

3. It’s okay to wear yoga pants 24/7.

I literally think I wore yoga pants every single day this semester.  I wore yoga pants and sweatshirts so much that when I actually dared to put on jeans, people acted like I had gone on fucking TLC’s What Not to Wear–“WHOA! Look at you! You look amazing!” It was like I was a soon-to-be bride trying on a dress for the first time.

I don’t even look good in jeans. And I’m totally not alone in that, either.  Everyone knows that yoga pants are a staple of the classic college-girl uniform.  After all,  they’re comfy and they make your ass look bangin’. What more could you want?

In the real world though, you have to actually wear a bra every day, and even worse, sometimes you have to wear heels. If you’re a woman in a job that requires formal dress or a drag queen, you have to wear heels every day.  So, that sucks.

4. You can go out 5 nights a week and still be a functional human being.

It’s pretty impressive, actually–the legions of perfectly functional, successful college students that just so happen to be able to go out and get wasted four to five nights a week.  According to our freshman year Alcohol Edu seminar, this was really not supposed to be the case.  People that go out and get wasted four to five nights a week are, as per the syllabus, supposed to be strictly relegated to living in boxes by now, but nope, I know plenty of people that do this and are still pulling good grades, being active in student groups and organizations, and doing well in the post-college job hunt.  In fact, there are people that go out EVERY single night.  They’re not quite as functional, but the fact that they’re even alive is nothing short of impressive.

In the real world, though, you really do not have the time, money, or liver function to sustain this habit.  If you go out five nights a week, you become what is affectionately referred to as an “alcoholic.” You have to get enough sleep that you can wake up early for your job, you need money for things like bills and, I don’t know, babies, and your liver is going to literally shut down and kill you if you don’t stop chugging Cosmos.

5. Everybody is so friendly that it’s borderline creepy

I’ve seen enough dudes peeing into trash cans to give pause when comparing college life to the Stepford Wives, but when it comes to over-the-top almost-creepy friendliness, college life is maybe only one or two steps behind.   Everybody is so blood-hungry for friends, especially freshman year, that if you have even half-decent social skills, you will end up with more acquaintances than you know what to do with.

Meanwhile, in the real world, if you drunkenly go up to somebody and profess your love for them, they will not be okay with it.  That is how people get punched in the face. Which is really too bad, because I love how easy it is to make friends in college.  I’m really not looking forward to post-grad life, which, from what I’ve heard, is full of people with their heads buried in the newspaper at Starbucks and always listening to headphones with that, “Don’t talk to me,” glare.

Of course, I don’t mean for any of these points to be slights on the wonderful, crazy, beautiful experience that is known as college. College is wonderful.  Enjoy it.  Live it up.  Get away with everything that you can get away with and have no regrets, because as soon as you enter the real world, your life won’t be over by any means, but it will be different.  It won’t be as acceptable to roll into an important meeting half an hour late donning sunglasses and a bottle of Gatorade, and your friends won’t be as cool with you refusing to go to a bar because, “Todd bartends there! Yeah, that Todd! The one that ran streaking from my bed at 3 am and got caught taking a shit in my RA’s saltwater aquarium!” You will need to learn how to become more responsible, make friends in a more gradual manner, and actually put on a bra every now and then.  Do with that information what you will, I just want to make sure that you’re prepared.

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