What Your Facebook Friends are Really Thinking…

We all have those Facebook friends – the ones with the 8 paragraph status updates, the ones who post pictures of their kids every day, the ones we’re jealous of, and the ones that we actually have no clue who they are. Facebook is 10 years old, so why haven’t we figured out how to use it yet? Come on guys!

But lucky for you, I’ve been mental noting all of the Facebook faux-pas I’ve seen lately…. and to make everyone’s online experience more enjoyable, I’ve compiled them into a neat little list for you to share with all of your friends (just a subtle way of saying ‘stop that’). We’re all Facebook friends here, so let’s start practicing proper netiquette (remember when that was a word?); because here’s what your Facebook friends are REALLY thinking…

…About Your Status:

Essay-style Facebook status updates are reserved for special occasions such as: anniversaries, deaths, births, marriages, new jobs, graduation, and other life events worthy of gifts. You are allowed one of these per year. Maybe one every 6 months if the status can achieve over 100 likes.

The honest truth: everyone is laughing at that rant you just posted. If you’re that upset with the service at McDonald’s, please send their customer service team an email (at least they might send you a coupon in return!).

There is a special place in Facebook hell reserved for people who post status updates about: the weather, obviously huge current events, play-by-plays of sporting events, and other statements comparable to “the sky is blue”. Wouldn’t it be interesting to find out how many people have hidden your updates from their timeline?

Don’t be the friend that ruins the season finale of that show for everyone else. Spoilers are just, no.

…About Your Social Media Website Illiteracy:

Hash tags will always be reserved for Twitter, even if they now work on Facebook. Your parents have no clue what these are, and it’s near impossible to help them understand.

Do not, for the love of God, connect your Twitter updates to your Facebook page. No one wants to see that much of you on their timeline.

…About Your Photos:

Facebook albums are to be used for vacation pictures only. A cleverly titled song lyric-esque photo album like “We Gon Party All Night ‘Til the Break of Dawn ♥ xoxox” is a treasure trove of clubbing pictures that gives employers way too many reasons to throw out your resume.

Prevent your boyfriend’s crazy ex-girlfriend the satisfaction of being able to lurk all of your embarrassing profile pictures (yes, even those ones from your emo phase in high school) by changing your picture settings to “Friends Only”.

Selfies, food porn, and those artsy pictures of your daily Starbucks drink only belong on Instagram. Social media websites are complicated, I know.

…About Your Facebook Friendship:

Oh, you’re pregnant? I was wondering why my Recent Updates has been flooded with pictures of your stomach for the past 6 months! Go figure! Congratulations, you’ve now made all of your single and baby bump-less friends hate you.

Check out today’s birthdays. If you can’t remember the last time you had a social interaction with this person (online or otherwise), may I direct your attention to the “Unfriend” button? No one’s going to miss the generic “Happy Birthday!” from that kid that sat behind them in grade 9 math class eight years ago.

…About Your Recent Updates:

We all know you replaced your last name with your middle name so you could continue to be inappropriate online without it affecting your career.

Farmville, Bubble Blast, Candy Crush, etc. You play these in your spare time? Maybe during work too? Good for you, we need under productive people in the world so the rest of us can get to the top. I’m not saying that these games can’t be a sort of guilty pleasure, but maybe stop sending out all of those mass invites and requests (particularly to your boss and co-workers).

If you find you and your boyfriend breaking up every other week, please do not subject your friends to the constant switching of the relationship status. You will become a mockery.

So you now have kids. Don’t even think about dedicating your timeline to pictures and updates of the latest cute ‘mess’ they made. Remember baby books? These are a nice way to keep track of all of those special moments without disturbing the rest of your online friends.

So? Are you a good Facebook friend? Or do you run the risk of being hidden or worse, deleted? If we could all just follow these simple guidelines, we may be able to save our favourite (*debatable) social network from going the way of MySpace.

Featured image via wikimedia commons


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