Why I’ll Never Understand Why You Didn’t Want Me

I gave my all for you. I worried myself sick over you every time I knew you had a bad night or were feeling depressed. I dropped everything I could whenever I needed to to be there for you in whatever way you needed me to. I was loyal, connected, faithful, passionate, loving, and the person everyone said you needed and deserved. What could I have possibly done to make myself so undesirable?

We had an undeniable connection that was stronger than tree roots in the soil. Only a wicked storm could take us down and we never had that. We never even had any rain. Barely ever had an argument that resulted in yelling and tears. We disagreed, but we moved past it, treated it as a breeze through our branches. There was nothing a good conversation couldn’t fix.

We were happy with each other and made the best of every situation. You were the highlight of my life and the person I would fight for no matter how hard the battle. I was infatuated by you and was inspired by you like you would never believe. We influenced each other in the most positive ways and we brought out the best in each other.

Before we even met we shared the same beliefs and goals. Your ambition and dedication are part of what made me fall for you as hard as I did. Those were some of the most admirable and attractive qualities you had upon many. And I know you loved that I was the same way too. I know you loved when we’d talk about the future and get as excited for it as me- you even brought it up most of the time. Didn’t you want it anymore?

You were proud to show me off and have me in your life. You showcased me to the world without any fear. Every time you looked at me you had a twinkle in your eye and the biggest smile on your face that no one could wipe off. What happened to that?

Was it another girl that got in our way? One that you couldn’t get over or one that suddenly caught your eye? I don’t believe it was because I don’t know how you could have ever looked away when you were always looking at me. Regardless of who it was or what happened between us, I tried so hard to gain your attention again and help you regain your focus. Something kept pulling you away and I can’t describe it.

I blame myself even though I know I did nothing wrong. I can’t seem to figure out the sudden change for the life of me. Did you doubt that you weren’t good enough for me? Because you were the best thing for me and the dream I wished on every star, birthday cake and fallen eyelash.

It’s a shame to know that we were everything we ever wanted in a person but we just didn’t get the happy ending we wanted with each other. Who’s to say that we won’t come back into each other’s lives? I’m just impatient and my sense of hope is confident and radiating. And if it doesn’t happen, well I can still smile and wish you the best despite how much pain you caused me, because you caused a lot more good than you ever did bad.

It will never matter how much time will pass because I will always ask myself why you didn’t want me or what went wrong. I’ll never have a clear answer no matter how hard I try to get it from you, and I wish that one day we both find that again with someone, whether it is together or not.

Featured Image via pexels.

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10 COMMENTS

  1. Thank you for articulating what I’ve been feeling for the last two years. I thought that at last God sent me an angel, and we were each other’s worlds. Then she abruptly brought it to an end. I looked at it from every angle and I will never understand. Suddenly, everything that made sense seems an absurdity. I hope that one day this will lift. I imagine that deep down she is unhappy and I wish her well.

  2. I am guessing that you are younger than 25 (upper teens?) because adults usually do not frame relationships in this manner. At least healthy adults do not (so if you are over 25 then you should consider finding a therapist — many health insurance plans cover at least a few sessions, I believe). I am not sure what happens at 25, but something does, at least in enough people to be statistically significant. But prior to that, many things in life seem more intense and involve more drama. As you get older you will realize that this isn’t a cosmic tragedy, it simply is how life is. Yes, being let go hurts, and it makes sense that you want to vent and work through it, but beyond that it would be best to put it behind you and focus on the positive things and people in your life.

    > I worried myself sick over you every time I knew you had a bad night or were feeling depressed. I dropped everything I could whenever I needed to to be there for you…

    That right there is a good indication of being young and/or emotionally unhealthy. It is perfectly natural to worry about people that you love, but being “worried sick” is a pretty clear indication that you don’t yet have a strong enough sense of self and were giving too much of yourself to someone else, as if somehow you are incomplete without the other person. And that is wrong.

    > Barely ever had an argument that resulted in yelling and tears.

    This is not necessarily a good thing. It could indicate lack of investment in the relationship on their part. It could indicate, contrary to your perceptions, that they never felt comfortable enough to let their frustration about something come out. There is never any need for name calling or being mean or crying when arguing (although many people go too far), but never _really_ arguing seems odd for someone who has accepted the idea of never leaving the relationship. It is easy enough to let certain things go when you feel like leaving isn’t your last resort.

    > We were happy with each other

    I think at this point it is quite clear that the feeling was not nearly as mutual as you are portraying.

    > Was it this? Was it that?

    Who knows. You will likely never get any specifics. But more importantly, if you did, would it matter? Do you like the person that you are? If this other person wanted you to be something else, would you? And I’m not talking about a habit that they find annoying as there is always give and take in a long-term relationship. But seriously, what would it truly matter to have any of these questions answered? You seem to be looking for a way to shift the blame from you to the other person and don’t seem to be understanding that it was equally neither of you and both of you. It simply wasn’t meant to be. Move on. The other person isn’t putting their life on hold for you, so you shouldn’t be putting your life on hold for them.

    > Something kept pulling you away and I can’t describe it.

    I can describe it: it just wasn’t meant to be. As crappy as it feels now, that’s life. Move on to better things. Also, check out the book: “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys”.

    > I blame myself even though I know I did nothing wrong.

    You might not have done anything wrong, so don’t start now by blaming yourself, as that is clearly the wrong thing to do.

    > It’s a shame to know that we were everything we ever wanted in a person

    No. You weren’t. That is the point. If you were, the other person wouldn’t have left. Something was missing. Doesn’t matter what it was. It’s over. Do things that make you happy and build up your sense of self worth. You need to get to the point where you realize that you can’t speak for the other person, and they can’t speak for you. You keep telling us what this other person felt and thought and that is presumptuous. If you truly knew what they felt and thought then you wouldn’t be asking what went wrong.

    And honestly, they might not even be able to put into words what the issue was. Sometimes we feel a certain way for reasons that we don’t recognize or are conscious of.

    Again, the best thing to do is to stop obsessing about what went wrong and focus on gaining a better sense of self. You need to truly believe in yourself as a full person, not as part of a person to be completed by someone else. And then hopefully you meet someone who also has a good sense of self. That doesn’t guarantee success, but it is difficult to find success without it.

    Good luck..

  3. If the story is true then this person is very unhealthy emotionally. You could write a paper describing how unhealthy these reactions are. There is Narcissism and what looks to be Borderline personality disorder.

    Notice how time and again she speaks to his internal knowledge As if they were one person. She doesn’t really see him as a person but as an extension of herself.
    “It’s a shame to know that we were everything we ever wanted in a person”.

    The writer should seek professional help.

  4. Sorry for your loss. I am one of the guys who pulled away. I always loved my wife, but I never felt attached. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself.

    • Thank you! I certainly don’t blame myself. This article was written as an explanation of the thought process a women’s mind goes through during a breakup. I know in my own personal story behind this piece that it wasn’t my fault and that the other person involved had their own reason. It was more of myself speaking on behalf of the people who go through similar circumstances and can relate. Thanks again for your kind words!

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