Whenever good things come my way, I struggle with accepting them or think something bad will come soon. It’s such a negative trait I have. But I sometimes feel like I speak bad things into existence. And sometimes, I even want something negative to happen.
And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
If you’re not like me, you might ask, “Why would you want that?” Well, I ask myself that same question. But I think it goes back to high school, at 15, when I first struggled with depression and anxiety.
During that time, I struggled to get out of bed and see the good in my days. My heart felt heavy, and my mind felt blurred 24/7. I don’t remember much during that time, except for no good memories and long, dreadful days. Some days, I’m happy my life feels blurred during that time; it makes it harder for me to look back and remember unwanted moments. But I always remember how I felt.
As hard as I try, I can’t forget about how much hurt I carried around, a hurt that eventually turned into anger.
Five years later, I still have to remind myself that I’ve moved on from that time in my life. I became so accustomed to feeling negative emotions that it was the norm. After a while, I accepted it as part of my daily life.
The truth is, you shouldn’t accept anything you’re not happy with in life. Honestly, I don’t know when my life turned around for the better. But it didn’t happen overnight; it took years. And even after that, I never felt happy all day, every day. Nobody’s life is that way. We all have hard days, the same way we all have good days, and that’s fine.
But I feared the good days. As good came my way, I thought, “What now?” I wasn’t used to good things in my life.
Anytime I felt like my life was going good, I tried to look for something to disturb that feeling. I started arguments with the people around me, catching an attitude and looking for trouble. In the moment, I satisfied something in me – but the guilt eventually caught up.
Because I got so used to bad days, I got attached to those negative emotions. But I didn’t want to deny myself happiness for the rest of my life.
It’s okay to be upset. You will have bad days, but that doesn’t mean every day will be bad. And you can find ways to bring happiness into your life. For me, that sometimes looks like changing my hair color or style, switching up my daily routine, or even reorganizing my phone apps. It may sound silly, but anything new makes you feel refreshed.
It’s easier said than done, to try to not get in your head as much, to not worry about the fleeting happiness in the moment slipping away – but you can do it. Think about yourself in the present moment. If good things come your way, let yourself feel good without worrying that something bad will happen and ruin it. You deserve happy moments in life just as much as anyone else.
Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash
