Movies have a way of depicting relationships that aren’t consistent with real life. Of course, movie romances are fictional, but outside of our parents, it’s the first representation of passion and intimacy that we get to witness. So our mental image of the happily-ever-after is the white-hot, sugar-sweet romance we see on the big screen for an hour and forty-five minutes.
Unfortunately, that’s not real life. In reality, relationships last longer than a bucket of popcorn and a box of candy. The part that we don’t see on screen is where the majority of time is spent with our partner. That great unknown is where the relationship becomes difficult to navigate. What happens after “happily ever after?”
Attraction Isn’t an Automatic Thing
When my husband and I began dating, the chemistry was off the charts. Exploring how much we had in common was exciting, and he somehow knew how to press every one of my buttons emotionally, intellectually, and physically. I was head over heels in love before I knew what was happening.
Several years and many life experiences later, I felt just as safe and secure with him, but I didn’t necessarily feel “attracted” to him. He’s handsome, charming, funny, and everyone loves him. He’s everything that I could ever want, but something in the relationship changed. We were living in the off-screen portion of the movie romance, going through the motions, almost like we were waiting for someone to write the next part of our story for us.
We went from being Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in The Notebook, to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in the first half of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Just like so many other couples in long-term relationships, we became stale and predictable with nothing to look forward to.
Something Needed to Change
It is absolutely normal for stress, routines, and responsibilities to push intimacy into the background, but normal wasn’t what I was after. I needed to feel something close to what I felt in the beginning of the relationship. To swoon over my husband and become as physically and emotionally close as we were in the honeymoon phase.
We never had problems in the bedroom, but we weren’t exactly exploring new possibilities. Instead of having an awkward conversation, I took a bold leap and did something daring. I started looking for adult toys that we could introduce into our sex life and make things more interesting. I must say, it was the best decision I could have ever made in my relationship.
My husband always satisfied me, but why settle for the same satisfaction? I was nervous and worried that he wouldn’t like it or would feel inadequate, but when I showed up in bed in lingerie and laid out the box of goodies, he became a whole new man. I saw the light in his eyes, and I admit, I was shocked by how many things in our marriage went from good to great in an instant.
The Sequel to Our Romance Was Better Than the Original
Making a small improvement in our sex life gave us more to talk about. Suddenly, our text messages became spicier. It was like we were freshly dating again. We became much more adventurous, and we finally had something new to look forward to again. Sometimes we looked for new toys to try out together. He even surprised me by taking the initiative himself and picking things out to use with me.
The best part is that we started flirting again. There’s nothing better than to flirt with the person you’ve experienced love, life, loss, and growth with for years. We were more comfortable together, and we explored new, intimate parts of each other. What he wanted was to lead me, and I gave him the tools he needed to do so.
Making Our Fantasies Our Reality
As a hopeless romantic, the hardest lesson that I had to learn was that relationships require balance. The dopamine high of endless kisses and caresses fades away as work, family, and responsibilities take priority. I found that instead of wishing for those moments when I’m swept off my feet, I would do more to carve time for them.
In movies, we see the gorgeous damsel in distress being saved by the big, strong man. In real life, we age, and our looks change, but that doesn’t mean that the context of our fantasies has to fade. My husband still sees the version of me that he met so many years ago, even if I don’t realize it. I had to understand that I’m still his fantasy, and I chose to lean more into it. The Smiths didn’t need to change. They just needed to understand each other more.
Feature image from Canva.
