Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on why I couldn’t move on and live without you. And the truth is, I was too proud to admit that I liked you, that you hurt me, or that I’m still not over you. But when I began to focus on what needed change or what I learned from the hurtful aspects of our relationships, I began to see the self-growth I had desperately been looking for.
Now I know my worth. I’ve learned to control my emotions. And I’ve put in the work to reflect on what we had.
Just because you “loved me” doesn’t mean I felt loved by you. You said I was important to you, but I never felt worth your time. I deserve to be wanted and chosen, not to be a time filler or an “almost.” The inconsistency was so unattractive to me that I’m embarrassed I let myself be treated that way for so long. Don’t act like I didn’t fight for you, though, because I did — for a lot longer than I should have. So excuse me for being exhausted.
I’ve learned to think twice about fighting for someone who has continuously given up on me so quickly. And I’m not going to subject myself to that anymore. Being the cool, understanding girl isn’t who I am anymore. If anything, it allowed me to be continuously disrespected, and I don’t deserve that anymore. So instead, I’ll be understanding with someone who actually puts in genuine effort and respects me.
Hearing from those closest to me that seeing me being treated so poorly hurt them hurt me as well. They’ve said this to me before, but never this much. And I know I deserve someone to love me the way my loved ones do — I feel it every time as I cry into their arms.
Recently, I’ve realized that I’m at the point in my life where I genuinely don’t care to show people my worth anymore. I know I’m a good person. I don’t need to reassure anyone of that or prove it to anyone. I also don’t like arguing anymore either. I’ll express what I need, but I’m walking away if nothing changes. It’s not a school project where I’m looking for extra credit; this is my adult relationship.
If I’m too much for you, go and find less. I know I can live without you.
I will never let a man dull my bright light ever again. I deserve to be unapologetically myself and have someone hype me up rather than hide me. And you know what? You glow differently when you aren’t worried about what other people think. Well, look at me in neon freaking yellow, blinding the crowd with my happiness.
I’m at an age where I don’t want a toxic on and off type of relationship. I want someone who chooses me even on the days I’m challenging to deal with. I’m aware I’m not perfect. And I know that relationships aren’t always equal. I’m looking for consistency, mutual respect, and genuine feelings. I don’t have to deal with anything I don’t want to. And I’m holding myself accountable for following this plan. My peace is my priority, so I can live without you.
I don’t miss you anymore. I miss the person you pretended to be when we first met that I happened to have fallen in love with.
And I know you’ll kick yourself for losing me when you see me with someone else who makes me happy. You really should have taken me seriously when I was interested in you.
Please know I don’t hate you. And I don’t think I ever could. I just hate what you did to me and how you made me feel in my lowest lows. I know you projected your past experiences onto me and that it was nothing personal. But I couldn’t help but feel attacked because of it. I want you to be happy and find the love I was looking for in you — after all, our love, at its best, was one epic romance. And that type of high will beat any drug.
I’m choosing peace over drama, disrespect, and distance. I’m choosing myself over anything or anyone else. And my biggest priority is figuring out my life and what I want. Everything else I hoped to have had with you will come when the time is right.
People leave, but lessons stay. And you were the greatest lesson I didn’t know I needed. And I will never regret you. But I’m ready to live without you now.