I took you for granted and thought you would always be here. I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone every time you called me. I am sorry I was so cold and distant towards you at times. And I’m sorry I didn’t make more of an effort to see you or call you. I’m sorry, daddy.
Losing my dad was and continues to be without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. All I can think about is how much I wish I did things differently, and it is killing me. I wanted us to go to counseling, I wanted our relationship to be better, and I wanted to fix everything that was broken between us. I wanted my dad back.
As much as my dad and I had our ups and downs, our ups outweighed our downs. He made me laugh constantly when we were together. When I was growing up, he was always there.
My dad was always at all my soccer games, cheering me on. He was at my high school graduation. And he even bought me my first car. He bought me my glasses and contacts whenever I needed them. He loved tickling me and picking on me. And he threatened every boyfriend I had. My dad always told me every time we spoke how beautiful I was and how much I changed his life the day I was born. He took care of me, always.
Was my dad perfect? Absolutely not. He had his demons, just like we all do. He was weak when it came to alcohol, and although he did try to fix himself, he would sometimes get sucked back into his disease. It was painful for me to watch him struggle, and all I wanted was to make everything better for him. But he was trying. I know he was.
I promised him I would make him proud, and I will. Everything I do will be for him. It breaks my heart he won’t be here to walk me down the aisle when I get married, and he won’t be able to meet his future grandkids.
But he will be in my heart and by my side no matter where I am or what I do. Even though I would much rather have him here physically, he will be here in spirit. I will never be the same without him, but his name will continue to be talked about and I will keep his memory alive for the rest of my life. I promise daddy.
Thank you for teaching me so much. Thank you for always reminding me how beautiful I am. And thank you for teaching me to not put up with anyone’s crap, even if it was yours. Thank you for having my back all the time. Thank you for cheering me on with everything I did. And most of all thank you for being my dad.