I always come back to this unnerving question. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. It doesn’t matter how much confidence I have. It doesn’t matter how distracted I can become or how much attention that I get from others. It doesn’t matter how positive I can be about our situation or life in general. It doesn’t matter how much good that I have going in my life for me. It doesn’t matter if the sun is shining and that the world is on my side. I always come back to the question that leaves me feeling uneasy: Why was I not good enough?
I know that I may never get an answer to the question, but sometimes it makes me sit back and over-think the possibilities of what went wrong. Was it me? Was it something that I said that made you want to look elsewhere? Was it something that I did that made you question my feelings towards you? Was it my drive and focus on other things that made you fear I wasn’t passionate enough about you? Was it my personality that was overwhelming that made you afraid I wouldn’t commit? Was it my independence that made you worry I would never depend on you? Was it my confidence that made you unnerved that I could easily find someone else and leave you behind? Was it me or was it simply I was just not right for you?
I always put the blame on myself, but then sometimes I question if it was just you. You always said I was marriage material, but you never made it happen. Were you just not ready to settle down and commit? Were you afraid of our future and what was in store for us? Were you afraid that I was too much to handle in the long run? Were you afraid that you were going to miss out on something that could possibly be better? Were you nervous that I could possibly be like a girl from your past and cheat? Were you fearful that I could become more successful than you? Were you scared off because I was able to write so easily about you and the things that you have done? Was it you or was it just simply you couldn’t see your future with me?
And then sometimes I forget there was another factor that ended us:
What made her so much better than me? Was it her looks that couldn’t stop you from walking away? Was it her laugh that made you not able to hear the voices in your head that it was wrong to cheat? Was it her ability to steal your attention and become refocused on her? Was it her smile that blinded you from seeing me by your side? Was it the fact that on the surface she looked like she had it all together? Was it that she was an easy escape from us or she was an escape from the life you didn’t want anymore? Was it her or was it that you simply lost interest in me?
I can’t help but go back and overthink it all. I can’t help but take it into every future relationship, hoping that I don’t do something wrong with the next. I can’t help but think that it could happen again and that the next will think the same thing. I can’t help but question myself each and every single time I think about you because I know that there is nothing I can do to change your mind that I was simply not good enough. And with that, I will always be curious as to why. Why wasn’t I enough?
Feature Image via Matt Ferr.