“Blame it on the alcohol,” you mutter from your bed early on Saturday morning. You got hit by a truck. It’s the only reasonable explanation for why your head is pounding and your eye make up somehow managed to streak across your entire face.
You look to your right. “Sh*t, we got pizza last night?” you say to yourself as your eyes stare directly into the soul of the empty, grease-filled pizza box. I guess that would explain the dried cheese in your hair and the crumbs stuck in your teeth.
Any sudden movements makes you feel queasy, so you carefully reach over for the iPhone that sits on the night table. Your looking for some type of explanation for the monstrous headache because at this point you’ve ruled out the idea of actually getting hit by a truck. There has to be some piece to the puzzle in your mobile device.
Oh, no. No. The texts and pictures are simply unbearable. You quickly toss your phone and roll over, quickly contemplating what Netflix show you’re going to watch to get your mind off of the drunk texts and shameless selfies you just discovered. What were you thinking? “Blame it on the alcohol,” you tell yourself again. Just blame it on the goddamn alcohol.
There are countless things we “blame on the alcohol.” Here is a short, very short, list of questionable decisions we make that can simply be blamed on the devil that we have come to know as: alcohol.
1. Expressing your infatuation with a complete stranger.
“OMMMGGG this is like SO creepy but I see you on campus every day and, like, you have the best outfits EVER!!!! Sorry for being so creepy but like OMG, you’re so pretty!!!!!”
2. Eating the most questionable food combinations.
Bread paired with ice cream paired with cheese dipped in salsa? You’ve never tasted anything better. The food inside our fridge acts as a caged animal, waiting to pounce on us and enter our stomachs. As soon as the door opens, it’s fair game (even if it’s past the expiration date). Although, the inevitable fridge raid comes after late night pizza, of course.
3. Emptying your wallet for another round of Fireball shots.
“I’ve got the next round!!!!” is your drunk ANTHEM, even if it means denting your wallet…with money you don’t have.
4. Taking an unnecessary amount of selfies because one just isn’t enough.
The only things that stopped you was your lack of phone memory.
5. Texting that one-time hook up that you promised yourself you would never text again.
“No matter what I say or do, DON’T let me text him,” you tell your friends. 5 shots later and it’s a totally different ball game.
6. Believing that you have the vocal range of Whitney Houston…
Maybe posting a Snapchat of karaoke night wasn’t the best idea.
7. …and the dance moves of Shakira
Your hips certainly DO lie. They are dirty, filthy, liars.
We all have an everlasting love/hate relationship with alcohol. We love the buzz, but hate the hangover. We love the memories (or lack thereof) it provides, but we hate the embarrassment that can follow. My plan is just to continue to blame it on the alcohol. Dance on, sing on, and drink on, ladies.