All the Christmas lights have come down, there are beautiful fir trees abandoned at the end of my neighbour’s driveways, and I haven’t seen the sun in 2 weeks – January is a dark and awful time of the year (this is personal opinion but if you don’t agree, I think you’re weird). Although I’m speaking as someone who lives in the Great White North, not all the reasons January absolutely sucks are snow-related. At least we have The Bachelor, right? False. Chris the Farmer definitely does not have to deal with “Resolution” gym-goers, so he provides no sympathy here.
Speaking of the “New Year, New Me” workout-ers: I’m sooooo happy for you and your start to life improvement, but for the love of GOD, just read the instructions. Any gym in the Western world has signs, basically everywhere, explaining gym etiquette, like where things go and how to use the machines. Just read them! It’s that simple. And stop using my favorite cardio machine for longer than 30 minutes. That’s just not fair – I trekked through basically the Arctic to get to that cardio machine! Plus, we all know you won’t be back at the gym a month from now, so why even start?
It really does just snow, and snow, and snow. Walking to class is how I imagine Princess Anna felt walking through Elsa’s castle – totally ridiculous and out of control (I wish I had Elsa’s powers every single day). To make it through the snow and ice, you have to wear big, clunky and ugly winter boots that you overheat in when you’re in class. The cherry on top is that going out at night truly sucks – you can’t wear heels or a dress, if you drink you are guaranteed to fall 10+ times, and have you ever tried looking sexy in a parka?
Even if you don’t have to deal with the woes of winter weather, you still have to deal with the post-Christmas depression. You have to return to normal life, no festive sparkles or fun Starbucks cups to be found. You have no festive Starbucks cups to look forward to, and you need to put your cute door wreath in your closet instead. To top it off, you’re back to classes with another round of syllabi, awkward class introductions and bookstore lines. Sweet.
Can we also address the fact that January has no special day or event at all? You could argue that there’s New Years Eve, but I would say that NYE is entirely a December-esque festivity, and New Years Day is irrelevant because most of us spent it (hungover) in bed. February rocks Valentine’s Day, March has St. Patrick’s Day, and April brings the Easter bunny PLUS the end of another semester. What’s up with a full 30 days absolutely void of reasons to plaster shamrock tattoos on your face or to eat gallons of Valentine’s chocolate? The only celebration in January is when the month ends.
The bottom line is: I hate January. If you need me within the next 30 days, you can find me in my PJs, under my heated blanket, chugging David’s Tea and obsessing over who I think Chris will choose. I will most likely emerge in February when Reading Week seems to be in our midst.