You know how you often hear, “Don’t believe everything you read,” and yet often end up believing everything you read anyways? Everybody does it. There’s absolutely no other explanation for how those “COLLEGE GIRLS ARE USING THIS ONE SUPERFOOD THAT MELTS FAT LIKE A FURNACE TO LOSE 25 POUNDS IN THREE DAYS” ads are still a thing. But sometimes, you read something so completely and utterly ridiculous that even in your most gullible, vulnerable state, you know that it’s bullshit. And that is where Cosmopolitan comes into the picture, armed with archives of ridiculous, weird, borderline psychotic strategies to “please your man.” I used a few different websites, which are linked at the bottom, to find the best of the worst. So, without further ado, here are the absolute most ridiculous Cosmo sex tips that I could find, in case you needed any further proof that you shouldn’t believe everything you read.
1. “If we’re somewhere semi-public and can’t go at each other, press your hips against mine and massage me with your pelvis.” Yep, yep. TOTALLY discreet.
2. “My girl pretended not to want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately.” This isn’t rapey at all.
3. “After working me up with an hour of torturously hot foreplay, my ex would clench her legs together and force me to pry them apart if I wanted some relief. Fighting for it always brought out this exhilarating primal instinct in me.” SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, STOP.
4. “Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum… Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times.” It’s things like this that make me take a step back and go, “Ya know, being single really isn’t so bad.”
5. [On film selection] “Avoid anything that’ll cause hearty belly laughs, like Superbad – a jiggly tummy won’t make you feel good.” Well that’s just depressing.
6. “Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best – its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.” Wait Cosmo I’m confused, am I supposed to bring a mixing bowl into the bedroom and whip up a concoction there? What about the measuring spoons? Will he still think I’m sexy after seeing me hack a loogie onto a tablespoon and then running to the bathroom to measure exactly a tablespoon of water?
7. “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body–his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” You know, at this point I’m just thinking about the poor guy who has actually had this tried on him. He’s just sitting there, excited for some hot girl to come suck his dick, and then she barges into the bedroom, fork in hand, and starts probing him like he’s a potential candidate for her insect collection. God. Things just took a dark turn for poor Johnny.
8. “Quiz him–what’s your favorite movie, color, etc.–and if he gets it right, he’s earned 10 seconds of oral. Wrong, and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) onto his chest.” Nothing says “emotional stability” like, “I’m going to drizzle hot wax over your bare skin if you forget one minor detail about me or my life.”
9. “ After sex, grab your still-moist panties from the floor and use them to tie your hair back. This will show him that you’re fun, casual, and easy-going” Well, this will show him that you’re a lot of things, but “fun,” “casual,” and “easy-going” will probably not be on that list.
10. [on vacuums] “Remove the attachment so it’s just a plain hose. While you’re wearing your underwear, have him turn it on low and hold it over your clitoris for a sexy sucking sensation. If the sensation is too much (or your vacuum has serious sucking power), have him hold it an inch above your underwear.” Good thing that there’s no such thing as stuff ever flying OUT of a vacuum—such as, let’s say, a twig, a rock, a piece of jagged glass. All great things to get lodged down there.
Oy vey, people. Do what you want with your body, but don’t come crying to me when you end up in the hospital. And do NOT believe everything you read in Cosmo.
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