The second time I broke up with my abusive ex, I went shopping. I made it a point to buy clothes that I knew he would hate so that I could start regaining my freedom. Before I met my ex, I enjoyed wearing loud, colorful prints. I was once a rainbow, but being with my ex felt like having the color drained out of my life.
My ex-boyfriend didn’t like most of my fashion choices, so I started trying to mold myself into someone who he would like. What I didn’t realize then, though, is that abusive partners constantly “move the goalposts,” so nothing you do will ever be enough. One day, you’re “too thin” and your clothes “don’t fit you tightly enough,” but the next, they’ll tell you that you need to work out more often. Eventually, you’ll try to disappear, but that too won’t be enough to satisfy your abusive partner. They’ll never understand who you are.
So that’s why when I finally broke up with my ex, I went shopping.
It’s been almost 11 years since that shopping trip, but I still remember it vividly. I walked into H&M, and I saw a dress that would become one of the most important markers of my freedom from my ex. It was a black dress with pink and blue cupcakes sprinkled all over it, and the moment I laid eyes on it, I knew that it had to be mine. Its boatneck and skater skirt screamed my name. I impulsively purchased the dress, not knowing how significant it would become.
I spent the next few months trying to fully free myself from my ex-boyfriend.
We were in a constant back-and-forth, and I tried so hard to move on, but he wouldn’t let me go.
A few days before my 23rd birthday, he called me, screaming some of the worst things that anyone’s ever said to me. Those first few days of March 2015 felt like I finally began waking up from the nightmare that I had spent years living. I was going into my 23rd year single, but I felt far less alone than I was when I was with him.
My brother took me out for my birthday, and I decided to wear my cupcake dress.
That day, I took what would become the first of many birthday photos in that dress. In that photo, I look like the light finally came back into my eyes. I was dressing like myself again. I was happy being myself again. And most importantly, I was free from my ex’s abuse.
Every year since, I’ve deliberately worn that cupcake print dress on my birthday. It’s now known as my “birthday dress,” and I have 10 years’ worth of photos documenting how far I’ve come since my first “cupcake dress” birthday. I’ve worn it under work uniforms and have even put it on after a long day at work just to take a photo and celebrate another year free of the person who I once thought I would never escape.
I know that one day, the dress will become too worn, and I’ll have to retire it. But when that day comes, and I officially retire that dress from my wardrobe, I know that its impact will always remain. It will forever serve as a reminder that no matter how dark my life becomes, I can always come back home to myself.
Featured Photo by Look Studio on Unsplash.
