Most people don’t put much thought into the fact that chemistry happens in the brain, which directly influences the “Falling in Love” or “Honeymoon” phase of a romantic relationship.
So let me explain the chemistry of love.
Romantic love is one of the most powerful emotions a person can have. Our brains are wired to love and be loved. It’s a primary human drive. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., and others have shown through MRI brain scans how specific brain regions are involved and activated in falling in love and forming an attachment with a partner.
Most notably, falling in love activates the caudate nucleus — an area near the center of the brain referred to as the primitive reptilian brain or survival brain — present for thousands of years. It’s part of the brain’s reward system, associated with wanting, craving, and motivation. It’s also associated with focused attention and learning.
The same area feels the high — or the rush — with addictive drugs and risky behaviors.
In this “falling in love” stage, lovers become infatuated, obsessing with romantic thoughts and actions. Studies also show that people in the falling in love stage display similar obsessive traits as someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The reason for this is due to the high level of dopamine and low levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin. However, the brain cannot sustain this high level of dopamine for an extended period.
Accordingly, the honeymoon phase lasts 12 to 18 months then the dopamine and serotonin restore to normal levels.
This is the end of the “honeymoon phase”.
In romantic love, our spirit is open. But as the physical, emotional, and spiritual high fades, the ego sees the need to override the spirit. Our hopes turn to expectations that our needs be met. We begin to view our partner from a different perceptive lens. We may become defensive and reactive or passive and guarded; the feelings of trust and safety start to erode.
This begins the common relationship dance of conflict, power struggle for control, and the need to be right.
The dynamic between you turns from unconditional love to love with expectations — and is now conditional love. Both you and your partner experience physical and emotional triggers from the other’s behaviors, and you begin to need them to do things your way for safety, trust, and assurance.
The relationship is now in the crises phase, which means each person is starting to lose perspective and connection with each other.
The other partner may start to give more of themselves in order not to lose the relationship for fear of being alone. The couple is challenged with accepting their imperfect partner in loving and supportive ways. As author Sam Keen said, “Love isn’t finding the perfect person. It’s seeing the imperfect person, perfectly.”
If the couple, individually and collectively, struggles with doing this inner work and coming to a place of acceptance, the conflict and power struggles will remain with drama and heartache.
The key is to adapt and adjust as you naturally move from the “Obsession with Love” (honeymoon) phase to the “Connection to Love” (sustaining) phase.
I believe the true purpose of a relationship is to learn about yourself while in the relationship.
Our partner is not the enemy or threat. Instead, they are our opportunity and teacher to heal ourselves more deeply. After all, we can’t do it on our own.
Back to the chemistry of love:
Love also arouses the body’s automatic nervous system and releases a hormone called oxytocin that assists with several body functions. This hormone is found in all mammals, facilitating bonding and attachment. Oxytocin also increases trust and love for a partner and can affect parenting abilities.
This hormone also has a dark side as well. In fact, it can promote suspicion, jealousy, and envy.
It acts as a neurotransmitter, reducing the stress hormone cortisol. If we feel less stressed, we are more likely to want to connect and bond with others and feel relaxed in a relationship.
Higher levels of oxytocin are found primarily in women. This hormone is released during the birthing process, initiating contractions of the uterus and stimulating the mammary glands to produce milk. Oxytocin also stimulates bonding between mother and baby. Males have a hormone called vasopressin, which is also related to bonding.
Research shows that adults with high levels of oxytocin or vasopressin tend to have a greater ability and desire for connection and attachment. They also tend to be willing to keep the romance alive. Oxytocin has been called the “love” or “cuddle” hormone.
One way it’s released is through physical touch. The more touching and connecting a couple engages in, the more oxytocin is produced to keep the love connection thriving. This is one way to sustain a healthy and long-lasting relationship.
6 Tips to sustain the love connection:
- Both individuals do their inner work to reconcile and release their core relationship wounds and negative beliefs.
- Both individuals practice accepting themselves and their partner.
- The couple engages in physical touch (releasing the love hormone oxytocin or vasopressin).
- Each person freely offers words of affirmation to one another.
- The couple creates quality time together.
- Each person freely offers acts of service to the other and the world in general, without needing a “payback”.
Understanding how the chemistry of love works and why the honeymoon phase feels so intense in the first place is fundamental to understanding the distress so many couples feel once it starts to wane.
But lasting love, happiness, and mutual satisfaction can grow once the honeymoon phase is over, particularly if both partners are willing to pay attention to the six tips I listed above and remain committed to their happy, healthy relationship growth.
Originally written by David Schroeder on YourTango
Featured image via RODNAE Productions on Pexels
This is a wonderful sharing love is a wonderful thing.
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