In the days of hormone-fueled sexting and unsolicited d*ck picks, there’s no way to survive without a trusty iPhone. Thanks to Steve Jobs, virtual foreplay has truly broken out of its cocoon and blossomed into the most drool-worthy butterfly (and the batch of high-res nudes I have stored in my photos app is visual proof).
Unfortunately, we aren’t all naturally-born photographers. Hence, you’re going to have to put in the work if you want your nude to truly attract someone’s eye — and you will have to contort your body in ways you have never before.
With a bit of skill — and these super simple tips and tricks — you’ll be snapping nudes risqué enough to be hanging in the Louvre in no time. So, drop your panties, grab your fully charged iPhone, and get to snapping those shots. Here’s how to take the best nudes on your iPhone.
1. Accentuate your greatest assets.
Maybe your boobs are mosquito bites at best, but when it comes to your lower half, you have an ass that just won’t quit. Take pride in all that junk in your trunk and take your nudes from angles that show off exactly what you’re working with.
Plus, everyone loves a nice, twerkable booty.
2. Work your best angles.
I’m going to let you in on a little insecurity of mine — my total lack of curves. It’s true, no guy is side-eyeing me while mumbling that I’m thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.
According to all the nudes taken on my iPhone, however, I’m perfectly shaped like a vintage Coca-Cola bottle. And that’s because I know exactly what angles my body photographs best at.
For example, did you know holding your phone out at arm’s length and taking a waist up photo at an upward angle can make your hips appear wider? Well, now you do! (p.s. Just don’t forget to crop out your double chin).
3. Self-timer is your friend.
Sometimes you need a bit of extra help to really make your nudes drool-worthy. But please for the love of all things holy — do not even think about whipping out that selfie stick!
Do, however, use self-timer to your advantage. Besides, how else are you going to get that perfect heel-stretch vag shot? 10 seconds should be more than enough time.
4. Bust out the lingerie.
Now is the perfect time to whip out that leather and chain bodysuit you spent $60 on for a Halloween costume and then never wore again.
Remember, nudes don’t always have to mean you’re fully nude. Leaving something to the imagination will always keep your recipient coming back for more.
5. Double and then triple check your lighting.
Make sure your lighting is flattering and preferably natural. No one wants to be blinded by a fluorescent light reflecting off your bare ass. Plus, overhead lights most often lead to shadows in all the wrong places.
Instead, take your nudes during the day when the sun is high and give your neighbors the peep show of their dreams.
6. Be aware of your surroundings.
By this I mean make sure there isn’t a dirty thong, fluorescent pink dildo, or anything else along those lines in the background of your photo that you may not have noticed.
Sure, your abs of steel and perky tits should be all your viewer is looking at, but let’s make sure to avoid those embarrassing mishaps at all costs.
7. Make sure to edit.
Even the Mona Lisa could have potentially warranted herself a few more glances if photo editing apps existed during her time. Luckily, you have all the editing tools you need right in the palm of your hand… or the apps folder of your iPhone.
Now I’m not saying you should be a catfish. Don’t go crazy and give yourself a full set of double-D’s when what you’re working with is a solid B on a good day. But we could all benefit from some smoothing and contouring here and there.
Supermodels have nothing on you. You’re a shining star and before you know it, all the best porno sites are going to be calling you up, begging for some insights on how you get that hot bod of yours to photograph so damn well. Seriously, ancient Greek sculptors are quaking that you weren’t around for them to model a marble sculpture after you. Ain’t nothing ancient about you and those nudes, babe.