Why is the idea of a bad boy romanticized so much? They are moody, unpredictable, and frankly, just plain scary. I didn’t understand.But, then I fell for one.
Ignoring red flags
It’s not as if my eyes were suddenly blind to all of the negatives. I hoped I was the only girl on his mind, but knew I wasn’t. He could be distant, rude and hard to read. But the good times, they were so good.
Somewhere along the way I stopped caring about whether I would get hurt. In front of me stood a damaged person. Who was I to judge? I was just as damaged. I think somewhere inside of me thought that maybe if I loved him enough, he could change. After all, he was funny, charming, and goal-oriented. Everything about him was perfect to me. He could make these sexual remarks about my body, but I didn’t care because at least he was talking to me. There are so many people in this world and for a moment, his attention was on me. I, of all people, was on his mind.
I was so hooked on this “bad boy,” that I would wait all day for him to message me. I’d see him in classes and dream about what our relationship would be like. I would look for him in the parking lot after school, then I would go to work. Periodically, I would check my phone, hoping to see his name on my screen. I would get home at around 11 p.m. and sit on my bed, waiting for him to message me first. On nights when he didn’t, I could feel my heart sink into my feet. But those nights that he did — they were amazing. We would talk about our life goals and where we want to go to college. He would make big fake promises that were always pleasing to the ear. We would flirt until I fell asleep and then wake up and repeat the whole process.
Learning to move on
It’s crazy because seeing his name pop up made me feel special, even though I knew I was one of the many girls he chatted with. Somehow, I thought it meant he was thinking about me or that somewhere under that icy exterior, he cared. I think that’s what love does. Not to take the cynical view out of hand, but love blinds you.
I like to think I am a fairly logical person. I’ve been burned enough to know that you shouldn’t play with fire, but it can be so hard to tell the difference between body heat and an inferno. They both just feel really hot. However, one will leave you satisfied, while the other leaves you with nothing but burn marks.
I think that’s where I am at right now. I’m waiting for the burns to heal. It’s hard seeing his smile light up the hallway, hearing his laugh, knowing so much about him, but not being able to speak. I have to wonder, was it worth it? The good times aren’t worth how I feel right now. If people came with a warning, a bad boy’s would be a mile long. I guess the question on my mind remains: Is he worth the risk?
Featured image via 13 Reasons Why