We all tend to excel at certain things in life. Some of us excel at sports, some academics, others more creative and art driven. We also tend to suck at things as well. What I suck at just happens to be dating. Through my teen to adult life, I’ve had about four what I would call “solid” relationships. I could lie and say they were all good relationships but most had their flaws and clearly by me writing this, they all have ended. I’ve had about four what I would call “solid” relationships. I could lie and say they were all good relationships but most had their flaws and clearly by me writing this, they all have ended.
Things always start off smooth. I meet a girl, we hit it off, I make a move or she does. Within a few days, weeks (or even months) a relationship begins. All is going well, because it’s the honeymoon stage. That’s when things really come to light. We see who the other person can truly be. My insecurities come forward. My trust issues start to come out. I can become a tad clingy. I get we can’t always see each other, but part of me wants to. I reply back fast and send the “good morning” text the minute I awake.
Most girls I have dated didn’t like that. They would either tell me straight up they didn’t like it or they would hide how they truly felt. They’d become distant towards me; only driving my thoughts and fears of abandonment further. I bait out replies with particularly worded texts. My insecurities come out in full force. As always I ended up getting dumped. I’m given the most cliché reasonings as to why they’ve done so.
This continuous chain of failed relationships turned me cold-hearted. I went from this high hopes, happy to be with one person to someone who could barely make any effort towards a girl showing full interest in me. I stopped caring as much to really put myself out there. As I’ve previously wrote, if sex presented itself I’d make a slight effort, but most times I would just fade out of the picture.
I don’t want to risk any possibility of hurt towards myself at all. In a cowardly fashion, I’d rather use and ghost these women so that I could carry on as if nothing has happened. In turn, I’m doing quite the same damage to them, that has been done to me. I put the blame on them.
They’re the reason for my dating failures. It’s inexcusable but in my mind, I avoid the possibility of getting hurt again. I suck at dating. I admit it. The blame falls on no one else but myself. The quote of “Hurt people, hurt people” stands true. I’ve been hurt, and in feeling so I hurt others. This stupid vicious cycle dictates my dating life.
In writing this, I’m looking to show that although I believe I suck at dating; I feel I am a work in progress. I’ve started to come out more. Though guarded heavily, I’ve been on dates. I’ve matured and no longer ghost daters. I’m very forward. I speak on my intentions, and how I feel. Transparency is a big thing for me going forward. I don’t want to lie or play dumb games. And I realized, I don’t want to suck at dating anymore.