You will forever be my blessing in disguise; my heartache turned happiness.
You were my chance to search for fulfillment, appreciation, and true joy. Your blessing was my bittersweet hopelessness, the sourly saccharine satisfaction of freedom after heartbreak.
You told me we wouldn’t work as I stood in front of you, stiffly, numbly accepting our fate. I smiled, even as I longed to cry; remained steadfast, even as I hoped to run. I wished you the best as I fought back tears, wondering how I could find another who would love me like you did and who would give me the time and attention I craved.
You consumed me as we said goodbye across the street from the Saks Fifth.
My heart still loved yours, my hand still held yours. My mind longed to open yours, to bring order to the chaos, to make sense of the madness, to restore peace to my shattered soul. But there were no conceivable signs of our tumultuous downfall. As I fervently searched for answers, only a jumble of street signs and sale signs remained.
They could tell me nothing about us, so I cried over you, letting my tears overwhelm me. I caved into you as a raging, burning headache overwhelmed me, suckering away any last iota of sense I possessed.
My mind attempted to escape you, even as my heart seared over you.
I flitted through the bustling downtown streets, narrowly skirting oblivious passersby as my eyes grew damp with tears. Even as my soul fought to love anyone but you, I sobbed over my fractured heart, wondering if there was any beauty in my brokenness.
I stood on the balcony of the courthouse, looking over the city and trying not to dream of you. I longed to fly away and free myself from any memory of your tentative love. My eyes fell on the distant line of the horizon, the kaleidoscope of blue where the sky meets the sea.
Without you, what was on my horizon?
As my hand caressed the balcony railing, my heart haltingly let you go. My horizon grew brighter, gradually ensconcing any memory of you. You were nothing but my blessing in disguise; my excuse to discover my serendipity. Without you, I could finally search for unconditional love. Without you, I could move closer to finding my forever and falling passionately in love with my “meant to be.”
I could finally chase freedom again; embracing the happiness I sought.
Now, across the street from the Saks Fifth, where we said goodbye, all that is left is blessing. On the courthouse balcony, high above the city where you left me, all that remains is opportunity. The blessing you bestowed lurks behind the sale signs and street signs. It hides in the oblivious faces of passersby. It spirals inconspicuously through the delicate tendrils of the tower railing. Your blessing conceals itself above the sea, on the breezy, sky blue horizon. It resides deep within the heartbroken girl searching for her fulfillment.
You were my goodbye to emptiness and my hello to joy; the glimmer of hope buried beneath insurmountable pain, the desire to seek freedom after heartbreak. No matter when I fully escape you and no matter when I discover my serendipity, you will forever be my blessing in disguise.
Previously published on Thought Catalog.