An Uphill Battle: For When You Feel Like There Is No Relief

Relapse is a terrible, terrible thing. Throughout recovery from my eating disorder, I have endured its wrath many times. Each time brings its own set of challenges, obstacles to overcome. I am only able to write this because I have made it to the other side. I have overcome. But, I did not overcome these obstacles alone. Thank you to everyone who showed me the light at the end of the tunnel, when all I could see was darkness. This poem is for those moments that seem never-endingly dark and horrific. Know that this will end.


The cloak falls over my shoulders:
a black velvet hood,
the warmth so alluring,
seducing me back to a place I promised
never to return.
A place so dark it shouldn’t even exist.

But it doesn’t feel dark when you get there.
It’s so unbelievably luminous,
so charming and hospitable;
so loving and kind
and deceptive.

So I give in –
I allow myself to fall victim.
Victim to a force that is so obviously evil,
yet so effortlessly entrancing.
I feel the calm, the comfort, the care,
and then I feel all the pain in the world.

Once again a martyr,
wandering aimlessly in the dark.

Until I feel a presence,
an extended hand;
eyes that emit a twinkle
A fleeting glimpse of light.
That’s all I need.

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