The 10 Things We’ll Never Understand About College

‘Twas the night before college when all through the house, not a graduate was stirring, not even a drop-out. The bags were packed in the car with care, in hopes that an empty house soon would be there. The recently legal adults were nestled all safe in their beds, while visions of freedom danced in their heads.

…then about two months into college they, along with everyone else, are drowning in menial and completely useless work while they beg their professors to give them participation points so they can get a B. This vision of newfound freedom and complete independence is suddenly blurred by preposterous deadlines, projects, papers, and evilness by the name of online homework. While college still has its great moments, there are also some things I did not plan on signing up for, which seem to have been omitted from my college application…

1. The price of books

Seriously though. I bought a book for one class, and it was 180 dollars. American dollars. Excuse me but is this book made of 24K gold? Is there a bottle of Jesus’ tears that come with it? And when you get to the register and pay for everything, you feel like you have been violated in about 23 different and probably illegal ways. Your wallet physically hurts. And the best part? When the professor says the book is required and uses about 10 pages of the 400+ page book. Then, at the end of the semester when you go to sell your books back, you get $10 for it because somehow there is “water damage”. THE BOOK CAME LIKE THAT YOU COMMUNIST. GIVE ME MY MONEY SO I CAN BUY MY DIGNITY BACK IN THE FORM OF TACO BELL AND CHEAP ALCOHOL.


2. The use of the word ‘srat’

Shut up. Just shut up. You are paying to be educated, at least act like you have learned proper grammar and language. Srat is not a word, it never has been, and if I have anything to do with it, it never will be. Also, quit shortening words. You are not cute, you are lazy. Like totes lazy. Be a better American.


3. 8 AMs

What sick human being thought it was acceptable to make this an actual thing. Excuse the fact that for 12 years, I woke up at 6:30 and my school started at 7:45, but I am in college now, that means I automatically cannot function properly until at least noon. You want me to explain to you the mechanics of the sodium-potassium pump in the body? Bless your stupid, stupid heart.


4. Having to declare a major freshman year

Something I don’t understand at all. Not too long ago, I had to raise my hand to go to the damn bathroom; you cannot ask me to make these life changing decisions now. If you already know what you want to do, great. Good for you. But the other 99% of us can’t decide what to wear in the morning let alone know what to do for the rest of their life. How about we start with making sure our name is on our college application, then let’s work from there.


5. Diets

You are not going on a diet. You are going to drunkenly order a large stuffed crust pizza at 2:30 in the morning and eat 75% of it. You have the rest of your life to go on a diet, so quit fooling yourself, because you aren’t fooling anyone else. Oh, and spoiler alert, “juice cleanses” don’t work. They were invented by someone who has never experienced Taco Bell, Mad Mush Pizza or McDonald’s breakfast.


6. Where my money goes

Going off to college has given the term “we all grindin’ out here” a completely new meaning. My freshman year, I lasted 2+ weeks on my roommate’s mom’s chicken dumplings because I had no money to buy anything. When I look back at my bank statements, I put $2.98 on my debit card for McDonalds because I had no cash. It’s as if I went to college and my notion of saving money was about as foreign to me as Calculus. BUT MAYBE IT’S GOING TO ALL THOSE BOOKS I BUY. JUST SAYIN.


7. Tests counting as 80% of your grade

College: where you spend two weeks studying for a test and the rest of the semester making up for failing it. Every professor who does this makes me want to drop-kick them right in the throat. I know these people went to college, I know they understand that when you do this, you are setting up about 90% of your class for failure. People who absolutely suck at tests (aka me) are automatically screwed and rely off participation and extra credit points to scrape a B in the class. You do realize that in the real world, my boss isn’t going to look at what my grade was in American Government 101, no matter how hard you try to convince me otherwise. So basically, I am paying you to fail me. Thanks Obama.


8. Finals Week

Why does it have to be a week where you take about 5 tests, fail 3 of them, and see what is the lowest possible score you can get on 1 of them so you can actually study for the one class that actually matters? When teachers say “my class should be just as important to you as the other ones you take” I can’t help but laugh. Let’s all be honest here dear, I am a nursing major. I am taking “Art in the Technological World” because I had to, and my drawings resemble a Hellen Keller painting. So sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s not as important to me as ohhhh I don’t know, Anatomy would be. So I’m going to figure out that I can get a 15% on your stupid final and still get an A. Check mate.


9. Gen-Ed Classes

AKA the most effective way to waste your time and money in college. If you know what you want to be, why the hell would you be paying for a class that will never matter to your major? I am currently taking “ANTH: Archeology in the World” for a Gen-Ed…I am going to say this one more time. I am a nursing major. Why in God’s name would I need to take this class. If you are a business major…why are you in Art class. Save yourself already.


And last but definitely not least… 10. Why are weekends are so short

Just why. I need another day in between Friday and Saturday…Fraturday. That was catchy, so you sick frat bros, feel free to use that as a theme for your next party. We all know bitches love themed parties. But really, why is the week 5 days and the weekend only 2. I blame the government.




    In a communist state, the books and education would be free. In a capitalist state, the bookstores and publishers will try to fuck you for more money.

  2. I don’t think that you understand the concept of a liberal arts education. Some people want to be well-rounded.

    • Then those people can do what they want. What they mean is we are forced to take those hen-ed classes or else can’t graduate. In fact, I may not be able to graduate because Biology has never and still won’t fit in my schedule yet I do not need it. I do not remember a thing from any of my gen-ed classes. They are pointless and a waste of time/money. Id rather take classes that pertain to my major as soon as I can than waste time with classes Ill never use the information from again.

    • I can say without a doubt that I have the exact same issue with test’s/finals. I cannot function properly during test’s and my mind blanks every single time I go to take one. It’s a common psychological problem with college students. I know quite a few other people that have it as well.

  3. I teach college. #7 is old school, the province of professors who don’t give a shit about students and only care about their research. Professors who care about teaching – not just standing in front of a crowd and getting it over with – don’t do that. I hated those classes as an undergraduate, and I have always make sure to spread the grades across several different types of assignments.


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