People can indeed change. Even some of the most unlikely people we’d expect to evolve can surprise us. But what if the past lingers despite their shifts? While everyone else seems to be embracing these changes, we’re holding onto resentment that hurts us more than it does them. Why can’t we let it go?
Change doesn’t erase the past.
It’s okay that resentment lingers. Your trust and forgiveness aren’t aligned with that person’s evolution. Just because they’ve made the necessary changes to become better people doesn’t mean there wasn’t a point when they weren’t. And if they hurt you, your nervous system will hold onto that as long as it needs to. Our brain’s amygdala stores past hurt as survival data. So while they’re making changes, you’re wired to remember those earlier, harmful behaviors and patterns. This takes time to untangle.
On top of that, the anticipatory anxiety that those old patterns might return is valid and a real experience for you. It serves as an instinctive shield put in place by your nervous system. This is just your brain doing what it should do to keep you safe.
Change does not equal forgiveness.
There’s an idea you may have run across before. It holds that to move on from something, you have to forgive what was done. In my opinion, that’s not the truth. Forgiveness is not required to live a happy and fulfilling life afterward. In fact, you could move on entirely, never forgive them, and never think about them again. It’s entirely up to you whether you want to forgive them. But if you’re willing and still struggling to do so, understand that you’re grieving the time, energy, and safety you lost when they were the “old” them. They cannot rewrite the past, and neither can you. Working through those feelings and losses takes time and energy you then have to share with the rest of your life. You’re allowed to take all the time you need to process that.
The “why now?” question.
If the change was rapid and the behavioral shift is so profound, it can sometimes feel as if it invalidates everything you went through. Why did that person decide to change now? Why not sooner? Who or what inspired the change, and why hadn’t you? These are common questions we may ask ourselves when trying to understand how someone can make such a large shift, maybe out of nowhere. There’s real frustration in the expectation that you have to “get over it” just because the person is different. Nobody gets to tell you when you need to move on from what happened; when the time comes, it happens on your terms, not anyone else’s.
Resolutions
Shifting the focus from their apparent changes to your healing will be the best thing you can do for yourself. Be honest with yourself and the people around you: admit you’re not ready to let go just yet, and let them know your timeline doesn’t have to match theirs. If the person has made real changes, discussing how the old version of them has left a lingering impact that casts doubt on the authenticity of the new person they’ve become will not sabotage their progress. They’ll understand you and hear you out, even if it’s hard to hear how they’ve hurt you.
If you’re still feeling stuck, know that this doesn’t mean you’re being unkind or unfair to the progress they’ve made. It’s a sign your nervous system is still processing the hurt they’ve caused you. Recovery is your responsibility, but it is also blameless. You’re responsible for your healing, but only because no one else can do that part for you. And you deserve to find peace. You don’t have to do it for them. You don’t even have to forgive them. But you have to take care of yourself, and holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to feel it. Is your heart still holding a grudge, or is it just taking a little longer than your head to believe that things are finally different?
Featured image via Yaroslav Shuraev on Pexels
