When someone talks to us, how many times do we actually listen to them?
I don’t mean passively listening, “in one ear and out the other.” I also don’t mean multitasking as someone tells you about their day or how they spent the weekend.
When I say “listen,” I mean just that. When you actually listen, you’re not distracted or trying to figure out what to say back. True listening means that you hear your conversation partner out.
Listening means that it’s time to put your thoughts to the side. You can write down anything you need to remember, but you don’t necessarily need to respond. If the speaker asks you for a response, that’s great, but if not, that’s completely fine, too. You’re doing your job: listening attentively.
Listening also means that you’re coming from a genuine place. When a friend — or even a stranger — asks if you’ll listen to them, pay attention and show that you care. When you commit to truly listening to someone, it’s not out of politeness or because you think you should listen but instead because you truly want to hear what they have to say. Listening shows that you appreciate that someone trusts you with their words.
Above all, listening means being present for others. It’s hard for many of us to live in the moment. Our brains constantly process information, and there are so many distractions in the world around us. But when we stay present, we do ourselves — and others — a favor.
As you listen to others, try to catch yourself losing focus. If you notice your mind drift, bring it back to the present. Remind yourself that you’re here to listen, and use this reminder every time your mind drifts. You’ll almost always catch yourself thinking about other things as you listen, but the more you practice mindfulness, the easier listening will feel. Eventually, your brain will be able to filter out excess information, and you’ll be able to retain more as you listen.
It doesn’t feel like a coincidence that the word “listen” is an anagram of the word “silent.” After all,when you truly listen, you don’t talk. You may show that you’re listening by making the occasional sound, but your words don’t dominate the conversation. For all intents and purposes, active listening is completely silent.
Of course, you can absolutely talk, too. If you need to, you can tell the speaker that you have to leave or can’t give them your full attention just yet. And of course, if your friends never give you space to talk or don’t listen to you when you do, it’s important to speak up. Relationships should never be one-sided, and it’s OK to step away if there’s not an equal give-and-take.
But as a rule, if a friend asks to talk with you or a partner admits that they’ve been working up the courage to tell you something, listen as actively as you can. Even if you see a stranger struggling and ask them what’s going on, give them your full attention if they choose to open up to you. The people in your life will notice how well you listen and how much you care, and they’ll appreciate it.
Listening helps us build empathy and connect. When we listen, we’re living in the moment, and we should treasure every moment we have. Ultimately, when we listen, we allow ourselves to form deeper, more powerful relationships — and there’s nothing more rewarding than that.
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