College is a time when us youngins’ explore our interests over the educational spectrum. Whether we enter college with our desired major in mind, or discover it by taking every course in the catalogue, our choice of major reveals all too much about our personalities. And as your social mirror, it’s my job to reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly about what your major says about your character.
Shout out to all my fellow and future members of the unemployed society! If you choose to study this artsy-farsty field, you ooze with pretentiousness when you debate with your colleagues about how you prefer reading from your old Shakespeare Anthology as opposed to a Nook or Kindle. You most likely hang out in coffee shops on the weekdays (getting ready for your future employment at the local Starbucks), and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon on the weekends. Beanies and infinity scarves take up your whole wardrobe. However, since you will read and analyze everything from the Bible to The Hunger Games, you will at least understand humanity, so good for you I guess.
The foundation and requirement of business is one simple thing: to make money. And if you major in ‘making money’, then you like that cash flow more than anyone else. You Ann Taylor and Brooks Brothers wearing corporate crawlers stomp around with a confidence that makes everyone else huddle in fear. To all the future Jordan Belforts out there: good luck with your addiction to money, and um, drugs? The upside to this major is that you will be eventually filthy rich and will be paying people like me to make your morning coffee. P.S. I’m looking for a Finance major to be my sugar daddy to help support my writing career.
Please stop analyzing my behavior and interactions with the opposite sex and then stating I have a fear of abandonment or rejection. Just because you took one abnormal psychology class you think you can act like Dr. Huang from Law and Order: SVU. No. There can only be one Dr. Huang. Good for you by wanting to help people and their screwed up minds, but please don’t give me a fake diagnosis after getting a B- in PSYC101.
You really wanted to be an English major, but you didn’t have the balls to face the daily liberal arts jokes. You’re an optimist because you think you’re going to be able to change the world by writing a heated op-ed or investigative piece for The New York Times, but really you’re just going to be working for your local Patch chapter. But there is the chance of you stumbling upon a story becoming the Woodward or Bernstein. You are also probably looking for a sugar daddy to support your writing career.
For some strange and horrible reason, you like kids. Ew, kids. Also, you like those little urchins enough to spend every day from September to June with them. You are most likely double majoring in English or Hearing and Speech, so you can either share your love of literature with children, or help them with their childhood lisp. Despite the annoying screams of children, you will get a sliver of satisfying fulfillment when little Tommy can diagram a sentence properly, or stop pronouncing Thursday as ‘fursday’.
Whether it be Bio or Chem, everyone is the same. Everyone is always complaining about Orgo, Human A&P, and the MCATs. Everything is easy for you until you have an exam, and then you whine and bitch to the rest of us non-science majors about how hard it is while we’ve been writing essays all semester long. Also, you can’t write a well-crafted sentence to save your life. But thanks for spending like 10 years of your life in school so you can work in an E.R., because without you, there would be a lot more people with things stuck up their butts.
Isn’t this the Mrs. major? You guys are super lucky because you can actually enjoy the 4 years of college because you have so much free time . . .
Ahh, the Idealists and bloodsuckers of the world. You want to make the world a safer, fairer, more just place. You probably see yourself as the next ADA in a courtroom drama, or a rich corporate defender. But if you screw up and end up at a low tier law school, then you’ll just be an ambulance chaser. However, people will automatically think you’re powerful when you tell them that you a fancy-schmancy lawyer.
It must suck to wear glasses, live with your mom like Howard Wolowitz, and have the robot you made as your only friend. Lucky for you no one ever asks you what you’re going to do with your major. Why? Because you literally can get any job, and there will always be a steady flow of cash that comes from your passion of being a nerd.
Oh, so you’re a junior and still undecided? Well, you will be in college for at least five years. Can you say super-senior? If you don’t pick something soon you’re likely to become that guy or girl who should have graduated years ago, but is still taking 100-level classes. Plus side? Your alcoholic college years will become a bit longer. Here’s to the health of your liver!
Go on, readers. Bash, comment, and yell at me over an anonymous interface about how condescending and wrong I am about your major. But you and I both know that I’m pretty much right. Comment below with some of your thoughts about the majors I mentioned, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll do a follow-up piece.