When it comes to sex and feeling sexy, we’re not all the same – not by a long shot. I certainly hope that I am not the only person who is completely unnerved by the prospect of someone else seeing me naked for the first time. I mean, it is a completely tantalizing idea that makes me cringe to the bone (pun intended *wink*). Don’t get me wrong…I like sex as much as the next hormonal 20-something, but it can be really hard (there I go again with the sexual puns) to be completely vulnerable with another person. Hopefully, like me, you’ve been able to find subtle humor in your sexual humiliations. However, this doesn’t negate all the real life struggles that myself and my fellow sexually graceless friends face on an ongoing basis.
For starters I’ve never been more at a loss for words than when my partner asks me to talk dirty. “Um, I don’t know?” is usually all I can muster up, and I don’t imagine this is what he was really hoping for. No matter how many words I might have in my vocabulary, there aren’t enough verbs or adjectives in the English language that could make my “dirty talk” sound even remotely sexy.
Sexual adventures are more like sexual nightmares. For someone as uncomfortable as I am, being adventurous in the bedroom is next to impossible. I mean, the following phrases have actually been said: “You want to put that…where? Ummmmm NO THANKS!” “No, Matthew, I don’t really have any desire to f*ck in a McDonald’s drive through.”
And as a result I have no hot sex stories to share over brunch. Friends are rarely thrilled to hear about the craziest place you’ve ever done it when it’s on the couch in your apartment. “I mean this one time, we were in bed and I was on top!” “Yeah, that’s great Jessica, can we move on?”
I feel like I need a user’s manual when it comes to masturbation. I distinctly remember this one time when my partner asked me if I liked to “play with myself” and my reaction was a short quick “nope” followed by a swift topic change. Am I the only one who think’s sex is a two-person game and that it is just weird and awkward when you’re on your own? “Hmmmm I think I read somewhere that massaging your boobs is a good way to kick things off. *20 seconds later* OMG is that a lump? How do I check myself for breast cancer while still looking sexy?? I need to call my doctor!
Watching porn either makes me laugh or cringe. I’ve only attempted to watch porn a handful of times (including that time I saw Fifty Shades of Grey in theaters) but it has never been an enjoyable experience. I find myself focusing on the creepy expressions on everyone’s face, which let me tell you, definitely does little to “set the mood”.
For some of us feeling sexy doesn’t come naturally and trying to live up to the hype and expectations normally leads to awkward and embarrassing results. So, to my fellow sexually uncomfortable friends: fear not, you are not alone! Hail to the awkward.