The other day I got thinking about how much stuff is actually out there in the world that we literally have no idea about. Like black holes for one, what are they? A lot of fuckery, that I want zero parts of. Do aliens really exist? Very possible. Are ghosts real? I’m on the fence about this one. What’s at the bottom of the ocean? More fuckery, that scares the shit out of me. What about mermaids? Come on, they HAVE to exist. Can the zombie apocalypse actually happen? If it does, I’m either dying first or teaming up with Daryl from The Walking Dead. And finally, do men really know what women want, sexually? Ehhhh, me thinks not.
This isn’t just my opinion either boys, other women we surveyed agree you literally have no idea what turns us on. You might want to take some notes; we had a few complaints:
1. Choking us to the brink of asphyxiation, no thanks.
I’m sorry, but it’s a little rude when you cut off our air supply during the one time where we probably breathe the hardest, unless you’re running a marathon…but let’s be honest, we’re far too lazy for that shit.
2. Pushing our heads down to your smelly crotchal region.
We know what goes on down there, so we get why you feel the need to push our heads down, because why the hell else would we ever go near that shit? (Sorry, wrong hole). Let me fill you in on some not-so-classified-information…if we want to go down there, we will.
3. Facials, and not the kind with the cucumbers on our eyes.
Okay, to put it simply, just no. It’s so annoying; we literally have no idea how to react to it without freaking out. It gets in our beautiful hair, in our eyelashes, in our eyes, and sometimes even in our ears. We’ll stick to the facials that involve spa robes and cucumbers so put your pickle away little boy, you’re not fooling anyone.
4. Jackhammers are meant for concrete, not lady parts.
It actually hurts, a lot, so stop. There is such a thing called too hard, and jackhammer thrusting us goes past that fine little line. We know you’re all gung ho with doing everything fast because Furious 7 just came out, but trust us, it’s not going to make us do the same.
5. In depth dirty talking doesn’t make you Christian Grey.
Get your ’50 Shades’ of horseshit out of here. If we wanted to have a full on conversation with you, we would’ve stayed home and just texted you, in bed alone, while binge-watching Netflix. Just keep your mouth shut.
6. It’s a nipple, not a chew toy or a doorstop, stop messing around.
You are not our infant. Didn’t you get enough nipple action when your mom was breastfeeding you? Oh, and never ask us to suck on your nipples…that’s just creepy and weird, so just don’t do it.
7. Eye contact is key, but not when you’re down there.
The only time someone should ever find out how many chins we have is when we’re Snapchatting our best friends. Don’t you have better things to focus on while you’re down there?
8. Stop sticking your fingers and penis in people’s business, and by business we mean buttholes.
Here’s a fun fact: “whoops, it just slipped” is not a viable excuse as why you’re trying to shove it in our butts. We know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not working. IF we are into it, we’ll tell you. If we don’t say anything about it, play it safe and stick to the right hole.
9. Don’t use our ponytails as reins, we aren’t horses.
We get that it’s like super silky soft because we use this really amazing shampoo and conditioner. It’s like ridiculously shiny, which only makes you want to touch it even more. But it is not just hanging there for you to wrap it around your wrist and try to hold on for as long as possible. It’s attached to our brain! So calm down cowboy, or go find another rodeo.
Obviously, every woman is different, but at the end of the day what we really want is for you to figure your shit out, quick. Men, use this brutal honesty from females everywhere to get your shit together, so you can finally give us what we really want.