I know what I said.
At the time, I said that I didn’t know what I felt, that it was too much for me to handle, and that I didn’t want you in my life. Yet, you didn’t let me go. Instead, you were there for me, regardless of how hard I pushed you away. You stayed put and fought for me until I made it impossible; only then did you listen to me and let me go.
Then, years later, I got scared. I chose to disappear — it’s one of my greatest tricks. See, it’s always been my defense mechanism. It never had anything to do with you — it was me. That’s my immediate response when things get serious and too intimate. I acted all out of fear.
I’ve always claimed that I would never ghost anyone — it was my life’s motto. However, I did that to you more than I can count. I could go on and on explaining how I struggled with my personal demons, but it doesn’t justify the way I made you feel. And there aren’t enough apologies in the world to make up for it.
I should have told you how I felt.
You should’ve heard that I loved you. You deserved to know how I felt — how I still feel. But I couldn’t bear to open up like this, to make myself so vulnerable. And now I have to live with the consequences.
I know I broke your heart. And I know you can’t trust me — you’ve said so yourself. Truth be told, I can’t blame you. If I were on the receiving end of my actions, I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with myself, either.
But you showed up, like you always have, with hesitance and pain in your eyes that shattered me to pieces.
I know I can’t change what I’ve done and haven’t said, but I hope you believe these words: I never meant to hurt you. In fact, that was the last thing I had ever intended to do.
I don’t know where we will go from here, but you should know that you have never left my mind. Through the ups and downs in my life, relationships, moves, and lost loved ones and friendships, you were always at the back of my head. And I’m fairly certain that you will stay there forever.
The truth is that I have always loved you. And no matter what happens, I think I always will.
Originally published on Thought Catalog
Featured image via Matteo Vistocco on Unsplash
