Last year, I experienced a few dates while coming to terms with my sexuality. I went on a date with a closeted Christian lesbian who ghosted me for Jesus. I went on a date with a fellow fashionista, and we both kept exchanging thank yous to people who would pass us by and compliment us. However, neither of us knew which one they were complimenting. Most importantly, last year, I started dating a woman I now call my girlfriend.
But before these dates, I thought I was dating my coworker for three months.
This coworker didn’t physically work in my department but in a nearby one, where we would cross paths frequently. Other than a few awkward exchanges, we really didn’t start talking until I started taking the city bus to work. She happened to live a block down the road from me and also took the bus, which led to us forming a connection. We would walk from the bus stop every day and talk until we got to work.
There was a part of me that could tell right away that she was into women. However, I didn’t know exactly how to ask her, so I asked her what her pronouns were. I hoped this would lead to a conversation about her sexuality. She didn’t take this question too well and assumed I was making assumptions about her gender. “I’m a proud lesbian woman,” she said. So yes, I did find out she was into girls, but in probably the most awkward way possible.
I began to overthink every interaction.
She’s sitting beside me on the bus, our legs touching. She loves me. But she didn’t say have a good weekend before getting off the bus. She loves me not. She held an umbrella over my head during a rainy day. She’s OBSESSED.
I finally couldn’t take the overthinking. So, I kept repeating how I would ask her out in my head. I saw the sun beaming in the blue sky. I said, “The weather has been so nice lately. We should do something together.” She said yes.
“Oh my god, I have a date,” I said to every group chat.
We planned to go downtown and explore the local shops after work. However, a winter storm decided to make an appearance. If it had been up to me, we would’ve walked through that winter storm into every shop. However, she decided it wasn’t safe to do so.
She recommended we go to a rock store because she knew I was into crystals. We walked half a mile in a winter storm to get there.
She loves me.
We went out again after this, and we spent an hour and a half in a pizza restaurant just talking.
She REALLY loves me.
At that point, I was sure we were dating.
I asked her to attend an adult-themed event at a children’s museum.
“I’ll think about it.” She said,
She hates me and thinks I’m an inconvenience in her daily life.
The next day, I felt so embarrassed that I couldn’t even look at her. I got off the bus and started pacing. She began to get mad at me because she thought I was ignoring her.
This led to a heart-to-heart conversation after work on the bench at the bus stop. I told her I felt embarrassed for inviting her to the museum. She proceeded to put her head in her hands and laugh.
“Madison. I wasn’t saying I didn’t want to do something. I just am not really interested in that event.”
She loves me.
We decided to go downtown instead. We explored the many shops and found a restaurant, and she asked if I wanted to get it to go.
I don’t know why the words “to-go” led me to realize I wasn’t on a date. It was almost as if I was clinging to every sign of us dating instead of asking her directly what she felt.
At this point, I needed closure. We are sitting at a bus stop. I look at her and say
“We’re just friends, right?” She confided in me that she was not over her ex-girlfriend. There were awkward pauses, but we continued to be friends afterward.
However, I learned something vital from this experience. It’s always best to be bold and upfront about your feelings, especially when it comes to dating. I realized how easy it is to misinterpret signals and create a narrative in our minds that might not align with reality. Also, I learned the importance of honesty and directness in navigating relationships. I have taken this experience on every date since, which has helped me be more forward.
Featured image via RDNE Stock project on Pexels
