As if navigating the modern dating world isn’t already hard enough, try also being a child of divorce and living with abandonment issues.
My parents had a messy divorce when I was 12 years old. I was at an impressionable, vulnerable age and was just starting to piece together what relationships look like. The divorce heavily shaped my view of love.
Long story short, my dad cheated on my mom with a woman he worked with. He chose her over my beautiful, kind-hearted mother of almost 16 years. To make the situation even worse, we soon found out the woman’s two-year-old son belonged to my dad.
It suddenly all made sense. He’d turned cold toward us the moment he started a family with someone new. My world shattered as the divorce destroyed our once picture-perfect family of three.
This is when my view of relationships changed. I experienced the ultimate form of rejection and deception, which shattered my trust in all people, even myself. Thanks to my parents’ divorce, I believed that everyone who loved me would eventually abandon me because I wasn’t good enough and they would eventually find someone better.
I began weekly therapy sessions when I was 14 and continued them until I was 17. However, I felt like in our sessions, we just went in circles dealing with my abandonment and trust issues. As I got older, though, I started to see the value in what my psychologist told me, especially when I entered my first serious relationship at 18.
The first year with my partner was bliss. I never thought love could feel so happy. We were (and still are!) each other’s best friends. But after a year, I started freaking out. Things were getting serious, and I gave him more power to hurt me if he decided he was bored with me.
I ran back to my psychologist and asked her why I wanted to bolt when my partner was the nicest guy on the planet. Was I crazy? I was starting arguments for no reason to get my significant other to dislike me. I kept up this destructive behavior for months.
It was only after we started unpacking my feelings that I realized that I had serious, unresolved trust issues. My psychologist told me that I had a negative “love script,” and much like a sad movie, my love life would end in tragedy if I kept it up.
I let out a little snort of ridicule when I first heard the term “love script,” but now it makes a whole lot of sense.
Your “love script” is the little voice in your head that tells you what love should feel and look like. You play out scenarios in your head like a movie, and when reality deviates, you react. For me, these reactions weren’t positive ones. In short, my “love script” was really warped and centered on abandonment.
Because I went through so much hurt and rejection, I wanted my relationship to play out like a Hollywood movie where my partner and I were always happy and never disagreed. I saw his deviations from this unrealistic script as deal-breakers, and because I feared abandonment, my instinct was to flee. Rationally, though, I knew that running away from my relationship was silly.
My partner made me so happy, but I just kept picking him apart. As soon as I realized why I was acting that way, though, I made a conscious effort to make positive mental and behavioral changes.
Here are a few things that helped me change my love script:
1. Seek professional help if you’re struggling.
A professional’s perspective can help you see why your behavior is unreasonable.
2. Understand that the perfect relationship doesn’t exist.
This isn’t the movies. You will have disagreements and you will need to handle conflict through compromise and reasonable discussion.
3. Read articles about the psychology behind your actions.
There are plenty of resources to help you understand why you act in ways that could harm your relationship. Research your behavior, and you might find important insight into your behavior.
4. Remember that no one is perfect.
Don’t expect your partner to be perfect. Everybody has flaws, including your significant other. Try to see their “flaws” them as quirks and learn to love them (or at least learn to live with them).
5. Argue with that little voice in your head that makes you doubt your relationship.
If you’ve dealt with rejection issues in your past, that little voice of doubt is very likely to rear its ugly head. When it shows up, tell it to go away.
6. Have your interests and hobbies outside of your partner.
It isn’t healthy to exclusively depend on someone for your happiness. Keep your life interesting by participating in activities you enjoy and spending some time away from your partner.
7. Understand that love changes over time.
That obsessive, lusty love that you feel at the beginning of your relationship will fade. With time, though, you’ll discover an even deeper love. Don’t confuse this type of love with discontentment. Your love will eventually center on choosing your partner every day despite their flaws.
8. Remember that if your partner is abusive, your feelings have nothing to do with your “love script.”
Your abusive partner is likely gaslighting you. If you believe that your relationship is abusive, try your hardest to leave.
Since I changed my mindset and started to work on my abandonment issues, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. My boyfriend and I have a close, strong connection, and now, I can’t imagine my life without him.
Originally written by Michaela Ries on YourTango.
Featured Photo by Zarina Iskarova on Unsplash.
