For the past nine years, I’ve primarily made my living writing on the Internet. I’ve learned a lot through my work, like how to be my own boss, how to value my own work, how to meet deadlines, and how to grovel for forgiveness when I miss deadlines.
But the most important thing that I have learned as a woman who writes (often about her life) on the internet is how to deal with (read: ignore) monster-sized trolls.
Let me back up and explain.
Because I’m a woman who identifies as a feminist and because I’m fat and don’t believe that a person’s physical appearance is an accurate indicator of their health and because I often write about these things on the internet I get a lot of hate messages and e-mails.
There are, of course, the people who politely disagree with me. And there are, of course, the people who respond positively to what I write. And yeah, these people sometimes take the time to message me. But more often, I get messages from men who do a half-rate job of hiding their identities, and they have a lot of hateful things to say.
These messages can be divided into two categories and two categories only:
1. “Hateful trolls”
The folks in this category are easy to dismiss. Even the ones who say that they’re going to murder me or that I’m going to die alone or who call me horrifying names. At this point, I pretty much nod, block, delete, and move on.
I learned early on that you can’t give these people power because that’s exactly what they want from you. I often compare it to the scene in the sequel to “Nightmare on Elm Street” where a dog urinating on Freddy Krueger’s grave brings Freddy back to life.
Don’t be the dog who brings back Freddy. Just keep walking.
2. “Concern trolls”
The second category of trolls is more pernicious. They are the kind of trolls with whom I’m the most likely to engage. Instead of hiding behind fake avatars and spewing pure vitriol, these trolls present every single hateful thing that they have to say about your body as something that they “worry” about. They don’t actually care, but it’s soooo important to them that you know how much danger you’re in. Yeah, it sucks.
A while back, I wrote an essay about an experience I had with a box of cookies on the subway. It gained some traction again recently, which meant that I received more Facebook messages than you could shake a stick at. (But why anyone would want to bother with that is beyond me).
Then, a concern troll came to play.
I’d like to share with you what he had to say and how I responded.
“Rebecca, because you have not been diagnosed (my assumption) with a fat-related disease (yet) does not mean you are ‘healthy’ as you claim. You have artery disease, for sure. It will progress for years until diagnosed. They (sic) you’ll take high BP meds and cholesterol-lowering meds until that fateful day when you have a heart attack.”
“For 30% the first sign of artery disease is sudden death. You are just kidding yourself. I’m sure your attention-seeking ‘fat-shaming’ story did its job getting attention, but you are still alone facing an uphill battle with obesity and heart disease. If you have any interest in correcting your health issues, may I suggest John McDougall, MD? He has a free nutrition plan to free you of disease and obesity. But of course, you must educate yourself on nutrition and eat healthy. Good luck.”
“My blood pressure, cholesterol, and heart are all really healthy. I eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly. I’ve weighed the same amount now as I did in my late teens. The fact that you read the story I shared on MSN and decided to come here under the pretense of concern for my well-being is laughable. This is a dummy account. You have no profile picture. You have six friends. You aren’t worried about me. You don’t know me. You made assumptions about me that are baseless. Concern trolling is a thing — you just did it. Now kindly — right off.”
Now I want to tell you why I even bothered.
Usually, if someone were to ask me if they should ever respond to a troll, I would say no. But in the case of “concern trolling,” I think that it’s OK to respond and put those trolls on full blast.
Why? Because at least the “regular” trolls are honest.
They don’t hide their ugliness. They don’t pretend to care about you. They treat you badly for their own personal reasons. Maybe it’s their hobby. Maybe they have a rage problem. Maybe they’re sad 12-year-olds. You just don’t know.
“Concern trolls” use the guise of “love and care” to undermine women, especially multiply marginalized women.
Every time a man reaches out to me with “helpful” unsolicited advice about my own body, it’s a nice reminder about why abortion rights are still up for debate and why I still don’t make as much money as my male peers. It’s because a significant portion of the population exists solely to stamp down female voices, particularly those who empower women.
This guy doesn’t care about my arteries. He cares that I worked hard enough to have a platform upon which I can loudly say, “You deserve to be treated with respect no matter your size.” That goes against his idea of the natural order — one where men, no matter how pathetic — reign supreme and women everywhere must adhere to whatever social mores the men think matter.
It’s hot trash, and we need to call it out so that it can wither under a public spotlight.
So “concern troll” me all you want. I’m gonna put you on blast, and it won’t be because you hurt my feelings. It also won’t be because I want revenge.
I’ll call you out so that I can continue my mission to make the world just as safe and supportive of women as it is of men.
Originally written by Rebecca Jane Stokes on YourTango.
Featured Photo by Daniel Thomas on Unsplash.
