Breakups. Try not to cringe as you read that. You’re bound to face at least one at some point in your life, and whether you’re the heartbreaker or the heartbreakee, they are never easy. Most of the time, someone ends up being caught off guard and it can really hurt. As The Script’s accurate AF lyrics state,
“when a heart breaks, it don’t break even.”
Having experienced my own breakup horror stories, I had to wonder…am I alone in my unbelievably awkward final words that I’ve exchanged with my exes? Nah, I can’t be. So I put out a small sample survey, and collected the famous last words of 50 participants ranging from ages 19-56. Surprisingly, the amount of dumpers and dumpees was pretty even across the board, but the number of lads and ladies to experience heartbreak due to cheating? It would disgust you.
In the name of loyalty, let’s celebrate the rage-filled, sentimental and messy endings for the laughs, regrets and memories they’ve brought us. Whether you’re feeling like it’s still “too soon” or you got over your ex years ago, the fact that these hotties got away from unfaithful twits when they did; that’s something we can all hope for. Here are 27 of my favorite last words to exes:
- The philosopher’s approach (had to use that degree for something).
“You’re an idealist, and I’m a realist.”
- Time to put your d*ck away.
“Stop thinking with one of your heads and start thinking with the other.”
- Wishful thinking.
“Let’s not talk ever again.”
“But will you still buy my EP?”
“I wish you’d said that a month ago.”
- Mind over matter.
“Think about it.”
“Have a nice life.”
- Now, this is just sad.
“I know you care about me, but she makes me a better person.”
- Better luck next time.
“Don’t talk to me.”
“I still want to be friends.”
“You should probably stop doing cocaine and fucking underage girls.”
“We were never friends.”
- Right. In. The. Feels.
“I miss what we used to be.”
- The true giver.
“OK, well I’m giving your clothes to charity.”
- Called out!
“You don’t miss me, you’re so full of shit. You hurt me, you don’t miss me.”
- Miss Independent.
“It’s over, screw you.”
- The optimist.
“We will always have our memories and our time spent together.”
“Don’t worry, the test was negative, but what you said was unforgivable.”
- The shocker.
“What? Are you serious? Wow…okay.”
- Drunk in love.
“I don’t understand, I’m supposed to hate you.”
- The cop-out.
“If you don’t see me this weekend, I’ll never talk to you again.”
“Okay, goodnight and good luck on exams.”
- It’s for the best.
“I don’t understand why this is happening, but I want you to be happy.”
- Nope, not walking you home, nope.
“I’m really sorry about this, get home safe.”
- Shot down.
“I hope you understand one day that I’m not trying to hurt you.”
- Good luck chuck.
“I’m sorry. I hope you do great things.”
“I love both of you. But she deserves a second chance.”
- So, this breakup is a metaphor for something, right?
“You can’t have your cake & eat it too.”
- Found my invisibility cloak.
“I feel like you’re not even with me in this room anymore.”
“I don’t agree, I can’t accept this.”
27. The zinger.
“How could you do this to me on my birthday?”
“….It’s your birthday?”
So, while the world is full of dirty, dirty cheats, keep in mind; you’re not alone in this. While some of us turn up the sass, and others beg for a day when they can be friends with their exes, endings really f*cking suck – but not forever. Think of all the places you’ve gone, the people you’ve met, the Tinder profiles you’ve blushed at then swiped right…none of that could have happened if it wasn’t for your awkward and mortifying breakup. Keep doing what’s best for you. Always remember that pain is temporary. I promise, you’ll end up right where you’re supposed to be.