Currently, the only things getting me through week after week of summer in my sleepy hometown of Nowhere, Md., are Monday nights with The Bachelorette and a glass (okay, a bottle) of wine. Andi is my girl because 1. She ripped Juan Pablo a new asshole, 2. She made the bachelors perform at a strip club and 3. She isn’t taking crap from anyone this season. But I can’t help but think that a sorority girl would run the reality show better.
We Regularly Function on No Sleep.
Andi keeps bitching about how she’s so exhausted all the time. And to that, I’ll respond with her signature phrase: Stahp. Being in a sorority trains us to be perfectly presentable and functional on minimal sleep. Recruitment practice and set up until two in the morning and then a 6 a.m. wakeup call to be flawlessly dressed and done up for eight rounds of girl flirting during philanthropy round? No problem. You want me to do the same thing again tomorrow? Piece of cake. Andi has stylists, makeup artists and hairstylists who do literally all the prep work for her, whereas we do it all on our own with far fewer complaints.
We Know How to Handle Jerks.
We’ve gone through our fair share of frat guys, and I won’t be the first one to tell you how many of them are assholes. We know what games these guys play and the bullshit they’ll feed girls so they can get into their pants because we’ve experienced it. We’ve dealt with it so much that we can spot the douchebag from across the room before he even opens his mouth. So, for us, sorting the jerks from the genuine men, half of whom are probably only there for the fame, would be easier than finishing a bottle of wine.
We Can Judge a Person’s Character Within Minutes of Meeting.
Andi’s got to get down to business right away to find the man of her dreams. It’s either she likes a guy right off the bat or she doesn’t, and there’s no room for her to make mistakes there. Sorority girls can do this within the first five minutes of meeting someone new. Based on that initial conversation on the first day of recruitment, we can tell right away if the girl would be a good fit for our chapter. We’ve got to be able to do it quickly because we only have a 20-minute house tour to make a decision. We’d be able to do this same thing with guys: get a feel for who he is and cut him if we don’t like him or keep him around if we see potential.
We’re Good About Kissing and Not Telling.
Odds are at some point or another we’ve been hooking up with two guys in the same fraternity or two guys in the same friend group. It happens: Greek life is like one big, incestuous family. But we’ve come to perfect this art so neither guy finds out about the other. When you’re simultaneously dating 25 different guys like Andi, this could probably get tricky. But we’ve got the experience under our belt to ensure no guy finds out the intimate details about our relationship with his fellow bachelor.
I can’t say I know all the ins and outs of being on The Bachelorette. But I can say that after living in a sorority house with 50 other girls for two years in a row, I’m pretty confident in my knowledge of sorority girls. And I’d say that we all possess these traits that would allow us to totally kick ass if we were ever chosen as the bachelorette (hint: Chris Harrison, we wouldn’t turn down an offer…).